I am sad .. :P

My sad eyes....

I am sad – Yes. I have deep hidden emotions, scars, – which I hide with my smile. My smile carries a deep pain ,which I hide with my laughter. My eyes don’t sparkle cause they happy, but apparently cause they hiding the tears.

Now before you get carried away, please stop. These are not my words. That is what someone announced to me last evening. And as you must have guessed by now, as always it was a man (Wonder why I keep meeting such men?). So let’s rewind, shall we to what happened?

So I meet this man online through a debate. He seemed quite nice at that moment. Anyway as my luck would have it, few days after talking (exactly 3 days), he decided to tell me that he could see the pain in my eyes. So here is how the conversation went (am trying to write it verbatim) :

He : Hi, how are you?

Me : Fine, thank you, you?

He : Good. I was going through your pictures. You are pretty

Me : Thank you (added a big grin. Now no matter how shallow it is, I love it when people compliment my looks)

He : But I could see your sadness in it

Me : Ha? Sadness? Where? Why? How?

He : Yes.Though you smile a lot, I could feel that you hiding tears behind your smile.

Me : I was? But am not sad. Am quite happy. I am not “born happy“. Am as what one could called “Learnt happy“. In other words I learnt to be happy. So chill !! you got it wrong.

He : No I do not think so (mind it, he just knows me for 2 days or half hour to be exact as we chatted for 15 minutes on 2 days). Tell me what are you hiding?

Me : (Honestly, was hiding my urge to kick you where your mother never kissed. (Read : Bum), but I lied). Nothing. Unless you think that George Clooney dating another girl is making me sad. In which case, yes I am hiding (sic)

He : Do not lie. I read your blog too. I know you are using humour to block off your pain.Do not hide from me. I am there for you. You can share your pain with me.

Me : Ok. Since you insisted, I am telling you. I met this man a few days back. He  is right now bugging me a lot. I hardly know him, but he claims to know me more than myself. He wants me to manufacture pain, just so he can wipe my tears. Currently am very sad, cause technology has not evolved so much that I can wring his neck, through my laptop :)

He : (Took a few minutes to understand, I guess cause he responded after a good 7 minutes gap) Hey I was just trying to help. Stop being rude. You know you are not exactly as great as you think yourself to be ^&@#$%

Me : You want to help? Why not wring your own neck? I swear it will make me happy :)

Am not sure what happened post this, cause he went offline and since then he blocked me (I know I should have blocked him before he did, but then my motor actions have always been slow).

But since he is gone, I have a happy smile on my face, maybe cause am imagining, he has done something to make me happy – You know wrung his own neck? 

So finally, I have found my happiness. On that note, time you go find yours. You have one life to live, no use being sad. Shit will happen. What you do with the shit is upto you :)

World war 3….

World Cup Semi final 2011

So today is world war 3 – at least for India and Pakistan. It’s like everyone’s life depended on this game. Companies have given off. Year ending filings have all been postponed to tomorrow. Basically life has come to a standstill till the results are declared. The team which wins today will be considered God, and the team which loses will be called traitors – Forget the logic that one team has to loose today, no matter what, but for the losing country they will be traitors. Had it been the olden days, we would have made the losers sit on a donkey with their faces smeared with black soot and thrown them out of the county……..THANKFULLY SUCH THINGS CANNOT BE DONE TODAY. Anyway such is the illogical madness of a India-Pakistan World Cup Semi-FInal Match.



But my topic is not about that madness. It’s about the pressure on me, to ensure India wins.. It so happens that I come from a crazy family. Apparently during the ’83 World Cup I slept through most of the match or at least the first innings. Not surprising as I was hardly a few years old and I could not make out head or tail of what the madness at home was all about. I did realise something major had happened when I was taken out in the middle of the night and we were all dancing and singing on the road and bursting crackers like it was Diwali. Anyway I digress. So it so happened that I slept and India won the first ever World Cup. From then on my dad made it mandatory for me to sleep during an important match. It seemed India was not winning cause it had any ability, but any victory was credited to my sleeping during the first innings of the match. I did ask my dad, can’t the India team pay me money to sleep cause after all its all cause of me, but then he said it would then amount to match-fixing. Hence the answer was no  .

This madness was not just limited to cricket. I come from Calcutta where Football is another craze and world war 3 erupts everytime, there is an East Bengal and Mohun Bagan match. I remember as a kid, we used to stay in a locality where we were the only East Bengal supporters. Of course it so happened that during those days, most times East Bengal won. Anyway my duty was before the match I had to go knocking at every house and tell them they will loose, and after we won, I had to again go knocking at every door and call them losers. Oh and then I had to go hang a huge “Hilsa” Fish and the East Bengal flag from our window, just to rub salt in their wounds. Of course if the reverse happened all those families would call me moment I am out, and tell me the same thing. It did not matter that I was maybe a 2 year old and they were all 30 year olds and above, but yet the rivalry was on. Such was the juvenile madness. To make matters worse I had to wear the same red and yellow dress for 3 years, even though I had outgrown it ages back, cause that was the dress I wore when once East Bengal won by 6 goals. It did not matter that I was stifling in it, I had to wear it. I had to sit on the same spot and not move, even to go the restroom, cause Mohan Bagan had once given a goal when I had got up from my fixed place for 2 mins. Like I said, madness ruled supreme. Now Hilsa fish is a sign of East Bengal and Prawns were for Mohan Bagan. On the day of the match prawns were not allowed even in the vicinity of home. Once I went somewhere and by mistake had just one tiny piece of prawn and sadly Mohan Bagan won that day. My dad called me a traitor and all, till ma got up and literally threatened to divorce him if he tortured a 3 year old with such nonsense. But such was the madness at home.

Now forward to 2011. My dad is no longer there, but am sure wherever in heaven he is, he is torturing people up there with similar madness to ensure India wins. And back here on earth, the tradition of my torture continues, even though Baba is not there. My partner has already warned me if I do not sleep during the match and God forbid something bad happens, we can forget our partnership and all. He will not even talk to me again. Friendship and business be damned. And of course so is India’s ability.

So here I go to sleep in a short while from now. Just remember if India wins, its cause I slept. Of course if they loose, its cause of their inability.


On that note, cheers to India. For God’s sake win the match.

My mom....and Facebook.... :)

Ma's first time experience using Facebook

A few days back I opened a Facebook account for ma. She was wanting to know what is that is so special about it. Now, following is what happened post that (Names of person have been changed to X and Y and the likes to maintain secrecy):



Day 1


Me : So how was your first day on Facebook?

Ma : Good but I had a question?

Me : What?

Ma: Isn’t X and her husband staying with each other anymore?

Me : Of course she is. Why would you get such a stupid idea?

Ma : Oh then why was she telling her husband what she should tell him in the realms of her bedroom, in the public space for all of us to see?

Me : Cause that is the new age love ma.

Ma : So the new age love means discussing your bedroom secrets in public?

Me : Yes ma…

Ma : Oh !!!


Day 2


Me : So how was your second day with Facebook?

Ma : I want to delete Y from my profile. He is a sadist and not my friend.

Me : Ha !! What did he do?

Ma : I wrote today on my wall “I am not feeling well” and he went and liked that comment. I thought he was a friend, but he is a sadist and no friend of mine.

Me : No ma. He is. Liking, is the Facebook language which interpreted in your language, means he does not like you having fever.

Ma : Ha ??

Me : Leave it. It does not make sense to me either.

Ma : Oh !!!


Day 3

Ma : What kind of a friend of yours is Z?

Me : Why?

Ma : He sent me a heart which had some romantic message on it, today. I did not know how to react, so I deleted it, but he needs to know he cannot send me such things. He is old enough to be my son?

Me : LOL. Ma he was not sending you his love. He was playing a game

Ma: A game?

Me : Ya. If you had accepted the heart you would have moved one step closer to solving a jigsaw puzzle. Currently I own 115 hearts and on level 16.

Ma : Oh !!!!


Day 4

Ma : Who is this A? Does he have no manners?

Me : He is a friend of Cousin B. What did he do?

Ma : He has no manners. He does not know me and even if he did, does he not know he should not go poking ladies? Today when I logged in, I saw an alert that A has poked me. Had he been in front of me, I would have whacked him. Rude, insolent urchin.

Me : Ma !!! He was just saying Hi to you…

Ma : Hi to me? By poking me?

Me : Yes ma, that’s the Facebook language of Hi.

Ma : Oh !!!!!


Day 5

Ma : I have new follower today for my blog, a Mr J who uses “Networked Blogs”

Me : Congratulations !!

Ma : He said he liked me blog and is following it and has asked me to follow him back in his blog

Me : So do so.

Ma : But isn’t it the norm to follow blogs when you like them and plan to keep reading them?

Me : Yes, so?

Ma : No, just that his blog is in Spanish, and mine is in Bengali? So……

Me : Oh !!!!!


Day 6

Me : Ma, why have you written in your FaceBook wall that you are going to the loo?

Ma : Well I was seeing everyone updating their every move every minute. And after you told me everything is today’s Facebook way of life, I thought I had to update every minute of my life there. And today I did nothing which I could update about, so when I went to the loo, I thought let me update that? Why? What happened?

Me : Ma !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Day 7


Me : So how has been your experience so far in Facebook?

Ma : Well I learnt that whatever I have learnt so far in my little over of 50 years of life is all trash.

Me : Meaning?

Ma : Well for starters I learnt that it’s ok to go poking ladies you have never ever met and its considered fine. I learnt it’s ok to talk your bedroom details in public or wash your dirty linen in full of others, and its not considered crass. You can be a sadist and enjoy your friend’s misery and you are still considered a friend. We were taught as kids never to talk to strangers but here we can merrily add strangers as friends and never knowing who they really are. The phrase “You scratch my back and I scratch yours” has now changed to “You follow my blog and I will follow yours”. Must say in 7 days I never learnt so much as I learnt via Facebook.

Me : So you continuing?

Ma : Hell No!!!. I am 50+. I don’t think I can handle so much of unlearning at this age. I will go delete my profile tomorrow.

Needless to say, contrary to all her misgivings, its been nearly a month and ma is merrily continuing on Facebook. having learnt all the Facebook language and nuances, and I suspect quite enjoying the ride. Guess end of the day, that is the pull of Facebook…

PS : This is part fiction and part reality

Conversations with my Ma…# 3

Ma and Me

This is my third post on my ongoing series of conversations with my mom…



Now I have this firm belief that parents should always praise their kids, in front of outsiders, even if its blatant lies. Now Ma has no such intentions as for her honesty comes above all. Fine enough but she takes this love of telling people about me to another level altogether. Tell her anything under the sun and Ma can relate it back to me and how useless I am at home. Its like an “Association game”. Say anything and Ma can start her complaints about me  . You don’t believe. Sample these….


Conversation 1 :


Guest : You have a lovely home


Ma : Thank You


Guest : It must be quite a effort you put in to keep it so lovely


Ma : Of course, wish my daughter also appreciated the effort and helped me in keeping the home clean. But she takes exactly 10 minutes to dirty everything, after she is back from office.


Me : Ma??????????????


Ma : What? Am I lying????


END OF CONVERSATION



Conversation 2 :


Guest : How do you spend your days here in Bangalore, now that you have shifted from Calcutta?


Ma : Oh I read,I write, I have friends whom I meet from time to time, I go out and then managing this home also takes a lot of my time


Guest : I can see that. Your house is so clean. It must be a major task keeping it so spic and span and must keep you quite busy.


Ma : Thank you so much. And yes it is. And my daughter ensures that I have no free time all day, lest I get bored. You see I will clean everything and she will take exactly 10 minutes to dirty everything ensuring I have to repeat the entire task again. Thanks to her I can never ever feel bored


Me : Ma??????????????


Ma : What? I am praising you and saying how you are always so thoughtful


END OF CONVERSATION




Conversation 3 :


Guest : Hey tell me something, I just saw all the lovely brass items and the crystals. How long does it take 
to clean them?


Ma : Oh I spend at least an hour and a half cleaning them daily and then I polish them weekly too. Takes quite a bit of time. Of Course it takes my lovely daughter less than 10 minutes to dirty them again


Me : Ma??????????????


Ma : What? Nowadays it takes you lesser time is it?


END OF CONVERSATION

My home

PS : This is a picture of a part of my home. Between You and me, I do know the efforts taken to keep it this lovely

Conversations with my Ma…# 2

Ma and Me

This is the second posting on the ongoing series of conversations with my Mom.

Now usually if am travelling out of my city, I prefer staying in hotels. Being a house-guest is something I preferably avoid as its too much work - you know I have to be on my best behaviour and all? Anyway, there are times when either cause I have been invited or cause if I do not stay with someone it becomes a sticky issue (This is India, and such things play a huge role). Anyway if I ever have to stay as a house-guest, ma goes through those anxiety pangs where she feels if her daughter stays somewhere, the truth of how useless her daughter is will come out (somehow I am unable to convince her that no one expects me to be useful around the house at all, and if they still invite me its at their own risk :P). Anyway, so before any trip Ma usually runs the following do's and don'ts with me, just before I am leaving. Following is the sample of such a conversation...

 Ma : You will be staying with people, so please do not let them realise that you are a slob.

Me : Yes ma, but you know that they do know it, right?

Ma : (ignoring my statement as always) So do you promise to make your own bed every morning before you get out of the rooom?

Me : Yes ma - Check !!

Ma : Will you ensure that after food, you clean your own dishes and try and help them cleaning their's too?

Me : Yes ma - Check !!

Ma : And please keep your clothes neat and clean and not lying around the room.

Me : Yes ma - Check !!

Me : And do you promise to help people in the kitchen when you are at home and not order people around?

Me : Yes Ma - Check !!

Ma : SO THAT MEANS YOU CAN DO EVERYTHING AROUND THE HOUSE BUT YOU WON'T IN YOUR OWN HOME. WHY? CAUSE YOU HAVE AN UNPAID SERVANT AT HOME CALLED YOUR MOTHER? 

Me : D-u-h..d-u-h...ahhh....Ma I am going to miss the flight!!! Bye Ma. See you soon Ma..

AND SCOOT !!!!

END OF CONVERSATION

Conversations with my Ma…# 1

Ma and Me

Along with my ongoing series about “Parenting” and things I learnt from my parents, starting today I am going ahead with a series on things I do not like about my parents…  .

Now I am perfect is an accepted fact. But then there are certain things I do not like to do. Please note the catchphrase here is “do not like to do” and not “that I cannot do” (hello am perfect and I can do everything). So one of those things which I do not like to do is cleaning my room. Ma on the other hand (and so was Baba), loves everything perfect. It’s like even at 4 am she wants the home to look like some guest will enter any minute. Nevertheless its a regular fight between us. So one day, I come home and Ma is livid at me. Here is a sample of the conversation we had :

Me : Are you upset? (I know she is cause her face is stern and she is not talking to me)

Ma: Yes

Me: Why?

Ma: Am I your maidservant? And that too an unpaid one?

Me: Is that a question which demands an answer from me? (somehow I know whatever I say, it will land me in trouble)

Ma: (Completely ignoring my question) Do you know, I work the entire day to keep this home spic and span and how long does it take for you to dirty everything? Go to your room and see. Everyday I clean this house and you come back and in 10 minutes you manage to make the entire home look like a shit-hole (Read: entire room is just my bedroom where no one ever enters and God knows how it would matter if it is in a mess)

Me : OK…so you cleaned it up. So why you angry?


Ma: Well I thought I potty-trained you when you were two. I was not aware that even at this age I had to go clean the shit my daughter makes. Hence I am angry…


END OF CONVERSATION…

Starting a new Series called "Conversations with Ma/Baba"

My Parents

Now some of you guys have reading my posts got this weird idea that my parents are like awesome and you know how lucky I am that they are my parents. Now let's first set the record straight. Their biggest achievement till date has been that they had me as their daughter - a perfect embodiment of everything sugar and spice and everything nice :)
(This is of course withstanding the fact that my dad was awfully talented whose artwork is still admired, whose english was so good that even lawyers would come to him to make him draft their letters, he could paint, he could draw, was an awesome cook, etc and my ma is a fantastic cook to the extent that she can make her own recipes and anyone who eats her food tells her to open restaurants, she can write poems which has got even published, she is a super duper interior decorator and has been called by people to decorate their homes, etc)

So starting today I will start a new series, which will go alongside my "Parenting" series as to how mean and horrible my parents are called "Conversations with Ma" and "Conversations with Baba" and how they basically its me who makes them great.... :P

Karva Chauth for George Clooney

George Clooney

This entire Valentine's day everyone asked me what was I doing for George Clooney. Now I was tired of telling all that for 4 years after what I did for Mr Clooney its time he did something for me.

So all will ask me what have I done for him? Well do you know I have done Karva Chauth for him for 4 years now? (For all people who do not know what Karva Chauth is, its a fast Indian women do for their husbands or would be husbands for their well being. They go without food and water an entire day and break their fast after seeing the moon)

Now of course since its ME doing Karva Chauth, there has to be a slight twist to it, right? So this is the way I do it. SINCE HE IN THE USA I DO IT DURING US TIME ZONES ...so post dinner i eat nothing and drink nothing..till next day breakfast..YOU GUYS HAVE NO CLUE HOW TOUGH IT IS...oooooofffffff...IT IS SUPER DUPER ARDUOUS JOB...helloooo did I hear someone say this is no Karva Chauth? Dear if our BPO firms can call up people in USA and say "Good morning" in the middle of our night, or call their dinner as lunch in keeping in tandem with US time zones, then why can I not do Karva Chauth in US time zones? Pray tell me why? You cannot cause what I am doing is completely right :P

Of Course I know there are still some of you complete disbelievers who will want to run me down and say where is the moon for me to break my fast? Well dear, for that I have Google to thank for. You want to see the moon in Hollywood and boom you get the moon. So before I break my night-long tough fast, all I do is go to Google and view the moon in Hollywood, and then his picture and take my first sip of water after a night long of no food and water....AND I AM DOING THIS RELIGIOUSLY FOR THE LAST 4 YEARS WITHOUT A BREAK:P

NOW TELL ME IS THERE ANYONE WHO CAN CLAIM TO LOVE GEORGE CLOONEY MORE THAN ME OR WHO DESERVES HIM MORE THAN ME?

The men I meet…

Is something wrong with me? Else why would I attract so many dimwits around the world? Its like its written on my face – “Hey are you dumb or shallow? Then can we become friends or at least can we talk?”. I will of course give you various examples to tell you why I feel so (If I hurt anyone in the process I am sorry, but my brains are hurting too much and hence I had to do this)

I will start with an incident quite a few years back..I met this guy in some get together. I had just come to Bangalore and he was introduced to me through someone. So one day we bump into each other and he is like “can we have coffee?” (this was the second time I met him). I was like ya..and then he went to an atm to withdraw the money..and you won’t believe what was the next thing he did….he actually showed me the atm slip and said..”Did you see my bank balance? Am rich” (quote unquote)…I WAS LIKE WHAT??????????????????????????????????….. Poor chap had a huge grin on his face and I guess was thrilled that he impressed me with his bank balance...I guess he felt the term "size matters" meant the size of his bank balance. Anyway I had to leave immediately as i could not control my laughter anymore..But since then i refuse to have coffee with anyone who needs to withdraw money before treating me for coffee 
Well if you think this was a lot hear the next one…I meet this guy through a business forum and we got to talking. He seemed quite nice and friendly and I was like now here seems to be a nice and ok guy. But of course my thoughts were short-lived. One day we had some work to discuss and we decided to meet for a working lunch as it was quite late. Somehow the work talk finished early and so we got to general chit-chat and he went on to talk about himself and somehow the conversation steered to the fact that he was interested in me…I was about to say I hardly know you when he went on to tell me about himself so that I get to know him..and this was his story…He believes in astrology..he had a live in gf for 3 years and when they decided to marry he went to an astrologer and the astrologer told him how bad this girl was for him…and that is when he realised that since she came into his life how many bad things had happened….and they broke up…and now that astrologer told him if he marries a girl from bengal his life would be awesome..hence his interest in me…I literally choked on the food and was about to die of laughter there..but stopped myself seeing how serious he was…luckily I used to carry two mobiles then and i urgently made a call from one to another and pretended there was an urgent call from office and ran out….and i must say i laughed so much on the way back that people on the road surely thought i was insane….anyway as it happened the relationship..both professional and personal did not move any more from there…though i regret it..cause i really wanted to ask this guy some questions..1. why after 3 years of a live in relationship did he feel the need to consult an astrologer to marry the same girl? 2. was that girl so powerful that she could affect his fate and if so wasn’t she eqivalent to God? But then I could not. Am still hoping to run into the guy someday and ask him these questions though..
Hello…are you guys laughing reading this?…Please am talking about my life’s tragedies..so can you guys stop laughing and read my sob story? Anyway life went on. One day a friend of mine wanted to send me something from Delhi and told me to meet this guy who was carrying the stuff for me. So I called up this chap and we planned to meet somewhere, where I could collect my stuff. Now of course after collecting my thing I could not say bye immediately and hence to be decent I decided to have coffee with him (condition was I pay as after the last incident i did not want to risk again)..now during the conversation the talks steered to about me and my past…so me being a general honest person did say that i had a relationship before and it ended and I gave the reason why I felt it had ended..he after hearing the story went on to refute me and gave me his reasons as to why he felt the same had ended..I tried telling him that my ex was a different kind of guy but to no avail. He went on and on and on and on and on…on his theories…I finally asked him ” Did you know him?” But of course my humour fell flat on him…As it happened I never met him post that day…
Now if the above makes you wonder do I attract shallow people, you need to hear this story. I had just joined this firm and suddenly someone in HR sent me a sms that there was some colleague in some department whose wife had met with some accident and needed o+ve blood. I did not know who the colleague was and of course much less his wife. I called up HR and took the details and forwarded the sms to all I knew in Bangalore stating the criticality of the patient as well (My blood group wasnt o+ve so I of course could not donate). Of course some people responded saying sorry it wasnt their group, some saying hey we are not but we have other friends who can donate, some sent a url where I can check for other donors and some sent saying they have the same blood group and are of course willing to donate….But the one sms which surpassed every sms I have ever got was this one..This guy sent me this sms and here I am putting it quote unquote “Hi. My blood group is o +ve. But I would have to attend a birthday party today, so I can donate tomorrow”. I swear I did not know whether I was supposed to laugh or cry reading that message. I mean how shallow are you? Well that was the first day I started doubting myself. I felt it must be me cause I really had felt this guy was different. NOW NOW STOP LAUGHING..am bloody serious about this…here I keep attracting all the nerds of the worlds and you guys are laughing? NOT FAIR…Of course in his defence I must say he told me the very first day that people say he is very shallow….it was my fault I did not believe it 
So you guys are already feeling sorry for me or not? Well wait there is more..now this is something my women friends would understand more….am sure many of you have had men call you up and telling you how they have fallen for you…now I ASSURE YOU I HAVE NEVER HAD SUCH LUCK….but what is worse is what happened to me…This man calls me up one day when am at work and announces that I am in love with him…YES YOU HEARD ME RIGHT…He did not say he was in love with me but I was in love with him..and the reason he called me was to break my heart cause he realised we were not meant to be..it took me a few minutes of course to grasp what he said…(i know i know you will think by now I should be used to such things, but I wasn’t)….anyway finally after a few minutes when I realised that my heart was broken I just asked why do you think so? He said he just knew as he was very smart (here i would like to state that though i had met the guy just three of four times but in his defence will admit was quite friendly with him)…I of course did not want to refute the guy as any further conversation would have made me burst out in laughter and i sadly realised the guy’s egoist head would have construed something else of that…hence i said ok and hung up…OF COURSE WHAT FOLLOWED NEXT WAS I LAUGHED SO MUCH THAT ALL MY COLLEAGUES IN OFFICE HAD TO TELL ME THEY WILL TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL TO STOP MY LAUGHTER…well after that i of course did call many of my friends to tell them that I was informed I am in love and the guy has rejected me…luckily I managed to nurse the broken heart back to health quite fast…i guess laughter and some fevicol did the trick…but till date this was my best love affair  …of course its sad that since then I never met him and I sincerely hope he has met his love…someone he loved and hopefully he is married off..but I hope he knows how true was my love and how much he missed out 
Anyway since that day I turned my life only to work and old friends..I realised that fate has decided that I have too many friends and hence its fate’s way of saying stop making new friends…This was my way of consoling myself after all the tragic meetings I had…..and I had stopped myself completely…till a few days back when I felt maybe things have changed and just maybe its not me…but I WAS WRONG…..cause in a few days i met this guy online who had no clue how to act….well it so happened that this fellow sent me an online request….Now i generally dont add people I dont know but of late I have accepted a few of them if they have a common friend….so here i acceped this guy in all faith that if he knew this friend he would definitely not be crass… so promptly this guy comes on to FB chat and starts talking to me…actually to be correct he bombarded me with questions (got a feeling he was carrying a questionnaire) which ranged from asking my age, my occupation, marital status, love life, education, etc…after answering a few I was forced to tell him that I dont enjoy really discussing my personal life, so if he could stop his questions. When he was refusing to relent I had to tell him that I wont answer as I felt it wasnt really important at this stage (I will be honest am now very skeptical of talking about myself owing to some above mentioned incidents)….I also made it very clear I don’t like it when people I dont know intrude on my personal space or cross the boundaries of familiarity with me….Anyway he stopped only to start off in 3 minutes and this time he asked me about whether i go to the disc…(i have written about this already)..i was surprised that my sarcastic comment about the uniform was understood and I felt maybe I was wrong…But once again my hope was short lived…in the next few minutes he asked me if he could tell me a story and before I could respond he went on to tell me a story on some king and his sexual escapades…I was like excuse me? Do you have any clue what are the boundaries of decency when you meet a girl or cause I go to a disc, the next assumption is you can the talk about sex?
ANYWAY I OF COURSE DELETED AND BLOCKED HIM IMMEDIATELY BUT SINCE THEN I HAVE REALISED THAT IT IS ME…I attract all nitwits, dimwits, shallow idiots of the world….else how does one justify all this?????..So please please please…if you don’t know me, don’t send me a friend request..and if you meet me offline dont initiate a conversation….it will just prove you are the above..CAUSE TRAGIC AS IT MAY SOUND I SEEM TO ATTRACT THEM BY THE DOZEN  …And please no one should laugh reading this note…I am writing a tragedy and not a comedy
PS : This does not include some of the people who are on my friend list whom I added online. Its not a sweeping statement on all people I meet but some nerds I do 

For the one’s whose heart got broken…Life has just begun :)

Broken-Hearted

Since I have been a kid the general myth I have heard about relationships (in case there is a mishap in it that is) that the one who breaks your heart always has the upper hand..You see its an ego booster that I dumped you…now here is my small little attempt to demistify the myth of being dumped..and also hoping that if anyone of you have been dumped feel happy reading this and the ones who have dumped realise how dumb they were  …
Now tell me whoever has fallen in love..what is the most interesting part of falling in love…Go ahead think a little…cmon…is it the flowers? the i love you’s?, the gifts, the dates? The ANSWER IS A NO..the best part of falling in love is the chase…when you not sure whether you will get him or her….Isn’t it?…I mean the thrill of the chase or being chased is something the best of romances cannot compete with….Am I not correct?
 So the first theory for the people whose heart got broken…Rejoice…cause now you can find a new love…cause without an ending there can be no new beginning ..Hell with the old…new love here I come
Now for the next…if you are a man I assure you women don’t like men who dump their women..makes them jittery..what if he dumps me?…and if you are a woman..a man likes to be in control..so if he hears you have dumped..its a general (mis)conception that you were in control…So tough for both sexes to find the next one…and if you cannot find the next one then why dump at all? It contradicts my first theory 
So the second theory is never ever ever ever dump someone…..It always fails
So then what does one do if one wants to be out…simple get dumped…now by the time you are in a relationship am sure you would know the person’s likes and dislikes and I am sure you would know that one thing he / she dislikes which if they find out you have done will sure end up in them dumping you….So do that !!! Now this also has an added advantage…when you are the dumped party you always get the sympathies…have you ever heard sympathies go to the person who has dumped or have they always got the brickbats?…and nothing gets you your next love faster than finding out that you an aggrieved party…men love taking care of such women and women love the idea that he stuck on with such a bad girl (makes them feel hey I can be normal with him and still not get dumped )…so you see you win…
So the theory number three is..when you want to be out..do something which will make the opposite party dump you…and boom you are in the reckoning again
So apply the above three rules and see how your broken heart mends….remember every cloud has a silver lining..and yours has just begun  ..and remember always…dumb people dump…smart people get dumped..so which one are you?
Terms of Reading this Posting : 1.The writer (that is me of course) takes no responsibility of the consequences that will follow if you follow this theory..Please do it at your own risk
2. The writer (that is volia me again) does not give you the authority to sue me cause of any accident that happens cause of this. But just in case you still want to, I can only allow you to do so if you hire my firm to fight your case (you see I run a LPO as well and its good money if my lawyers can fight and I get commission)
3. The comments above does not in any way reflect the writer’s (that is once again me) life and its outcomes. Hell who said one has to practice what one preaches 

My response to 90% of the marriage ads

Marriage Ads in Portals

Has anyone ever gone through marriage ads? Most men have standard requirements which are the following :

1. Fair bride (they can be dark as coal but wife dear has to be fair)
2. Sharp Features (its a different thing that their features have never known the word sharp)
3. Love my family (and dont expect them to love yours or for that matter even their own)
 4. Long Hair (They can be bald but you lady need to have long hair. Balancing act you see)
5. You need to cook very well (now you see if he is marrying he will do away with the maid, right?)
6. Educated (Degrees mean a lot specially to bong guys)
7. Young (They could be in their 50s but the girl needs to be in her early 20s)
And of coure they need to know the girl’s caste and many want my horoscope (and this even applies to all so called modern people who will otherwise write how caste system is wrong but when it comes to marriage wants to match all that). One would of course imagine that with such perfect matching none of those marriages ever can fail and most are match made in heaven but that is not always the case. Anyway thats a topic for another day.
Now lets look at the other party in the marriage viz : the women. Now women are simple and straight in all ads. They don’t have any such criteria. They are simple. THEY ARE JUST PERFECT. Every woman is beautiful (ignore the attached pic in case of marriage portal, as they were clicked on a very bad day), they can cook so well that chefs will feel ashamed, they are brilliant in studies and great at outdoor as wel as indoor work. And they will love your parents, will live on love and fresh air. Basically they are what God calls Angels.
Now seeing all these perfect women and the demands of the men I realised if I put up an ad, I will get nothing.  I mean God made me perfect but more like perfectly imperfect. How could I ever compete with such perfection I ever wondered. But nevertheless once ma (in one of her crazy ideas) said I need to marry either one of the men I knew or find someone for myself. Else she will get me married off. Now I did not want to ruin the lives of men I knew (they were friends after all and no matter how great I think I am and how much I love myself I will always feel sorry for the man who marries me), and neither did I want my mom looking for someone for me and then being blamed by my in laws that she got me married to them. So I said I will do the needful and this is the ad I put up.
AD :
Hi Prospective Grooms, Please stop here and look at me. I am desperate for marriage as ma says she cannot tolerate me anymore at home (Its a different thing that few days later you too will say the same thing). So please go through my profile and at least tell me you want to marry me even if you don’t. Anyway here is some details about me.
Well I am a wonderful girl. I am beautiful, attractive, nice, smart, intelligent, pretty – you can say adjectives fail me. I weigh around 100 kgs (but do not consider me fat – i am what you could say less thin), i am 4 ft 5 inches (but do not consider me short – i am less tall), i am black (you cannot find me in the night they say). My hair is wonderful. Basically i am bald and hence I use wonderful wigs – so you want long and silky, short & croppy, whatever. I can have that hair. (Now isn’t that a bonus. How many men can boast of wives who has hair of every type to suit every mood). My eyes put aishwarya’s to shame – only problem is you need a microscope to find it. My nose is the best part of my body – its like a road which suddenly took an u turn (You getting the picture right?) I wanted to go to the Ms Universe Contest but my family felt that others would have a inferiority complex and hence did not allow me to. Your good luck cause now me here and you can marry me !!
My other qualities – well i can cook. I mean I tried to make tea once but it tasted like ditch water. After that i never cooked. But I am sure if you want I can cook some burnt food for you. I am educated. I did pass some class some time – was it class V or was it class VI? I do not remember. Oh sorry I did appear for matriculation. Now class X exams come after class V right? Ok its a separate point that I did not pass. But so what? Lets say I am matric appeared (MA). Now that sounds like a degree, right?
My age – I am sure you are not that indecent to ask a girl her age. No one seems to have taught you any manners. Well lets say i am not very young.
My family says i am god’s gift to mankind. Any man who marries me would start praying to god that very day that I disappear from their life. So any man who does not pray much – God would gift me to them so they start praying.
Anyway here is my bio-data :
Name : Whats in a name ? Kalidas said that – so why bother telling you..or was it shakespeare??? ..well what the hell..what’s in their name too..
Age : I just said its indecent to ask a girl her age.Ok let me say I am 18+ ..that’s the legal age to marry right? Now don’t ask me how many plusses after 18…that me not telling
Caste : Don’t you know caste system has been abolished, you regressive men !!!!! How dare you ask someone this. I would put you behind bars for this.
Income : I am marrying so that my husband can earn for me, not the other way round.
Bank Balance : If I had any, why would I think of marrying you? And remember always your money is my money and my money is ALSO MY MONEY..Don’t you dare think of it as yours
Horoscope : Send me yours and I will send you back one which matches yours completely. Now what do they say in hindi “Chattis gun milenge”. Happy aren’t you?
My family : We are about a 100 member stong household. My husband would have to support them too. And please I cannot love your family like my own. Its tough enough loving them. And any case didn’t Karan Johar say “Its all about loving your parents”. He never said “its all about loving your husband’s parents”
Education : I can read & write
Habits : I drink like a fish, smoke like a chimney
Secret desire : To beat my husband black and blue every night.
Favourite Movie : She devil..I love it
My wish: To marry a man who can give me the 3 Ms – Money, Mercedes and Mansion.
My dream man : A guy who is dumb and a billionaire. And who can give me the 3Ms.
IF YOU FEEL YOU FIT INTO MY CATEGORY OF A PERFECT MAN PLEASE DO CONTACT ME AND WE CAN THEN DISCUSS THE FINANCIALS (hello you thought you will marry me without spending any penny on me is it? Now now it isn’t dowry, its lets say what they call proof of your love for me. Now I cannot marry unless you love me right? And You need to prove your love. Hence)
Needless to say all thought my honesty to be madness but such was life. I mean tell me something women do marry for social security and what is social security if you dont give me money and look after me and my needs? But no, if I say it am bad. Anyway sad thing is no one really agreed to marry me seeing this but so what? But then like I always says…Your loss dear….  

The News Media needs a dictionary ..Please contribute

The Indian News Media

When I was a kid I used to hear my dad say that he had learnt English listening to English News on the Radio and reading the Statesman. He was quite sure English Media could teach any kid English. Now I too had the same idea that if I ever have kids they too will read the English newspaper and watch the news (radio being a defunct medium now at least for news broadcast) to learn the Queen’s language till I started following their reporting of late. And I felt if anything they need the dictionary first.

Let me elaborate my point with examples. If all of you recall sometime back there was a major controversy with Varun Gandhi making comments regarding the Muslim community. Now of course the media instead of ignoring that jerk, decided to give him all the media space he could have asked for in his entire lifetime, of course in the name of holding up the truth. Now here comes the fun of it. Priyanka Gandhi had gone for some election rally when she was constantly asked by journalists about what she felt about her estranged cousin’s remarks. First she avoided and then like any normal decent human being she commented saying it was not something she was taught as and of course the blah blah comments on how the Gandhi family was taught otherwise, etc. She did not criticise, shout, or do anything but simply commented that it was not her philosophy and that too on being asked. Now I watched the news that day all day. So here she was giving a live interview, that too on being questioned incessantly but what is the coverage we get half hour later in all news channels. “PRIYANKA GANDHI SLAMS HER COUSIN”. Now the OED defines Slam as censuring someone harshly or forcefully. Now under no circumstances did she even censure the man cause she was quite clear it was not her job. So how did the word “slam” get attached to it? Did someone here mention the word TRP? Please we are talking of the honest media here. The 4th estate. And how can you demean it by saying TRP? They are not here for business but for telling us the truth. Please understand that in their busy schedule they forgot to buy an OED for themselves and hence the honest mistake.
Now let’s go to another example. How many of us have see the word “breaking news” flashing across your screen all day in all news channel. Now the OED dfines “breaking news” as a news which is just flashed. Now you must admit that rarely does news happen 24 hour which can be broken into the media. And a news cannot be called breaking news if its 2 hours old. Now again did someone say eyeballs, viewership, etc? Tsk tsk. No. Those poor people do not have the dictionary with them. So the mistake. If only someone told them that it should be flashed as news update, they would have, but poor guys do not know the same.
Now if you think am only saying people in the audio visual media need the OED you are wrong. Even the poor print guys need a dictionary. Let me give you another instance of the poor language being misused. Am sure all of you guys are quite used to controversy relating to MOS Mr Shashi Tharoor. Now poor man being part of the UN, etc uses too much of the queen’s language not understanding that the Indian media has no clue about the same. Poor chaps tweets about cattle class. Now cattle class is a word coined by the Americans to define economy class travel and has nothing to do with the word cattle, same as barking up a tree does not call one a dog. But our ignorant media of course had headlines the next day “Shashi Tharoor calls Indian masses cattle”. Poor chap had he said Indian people leads a dog’s life I can just imagine the report. “MOS Tharoor calls Indian middle class dog” Anyway now as tragedy happened some smart alec brought it to their notice that what cattle class really meant. So then they went running to the Congress for some comments and those people not knowing what hit them, had to say they do not accept such comments. Now next came the report “Congress rebukes Tharoor”. Now firstly your lack of the knowledhe of the language creates a controversy and then you create a further controversy by asking people for comments and then saying they are rebuked and then taking the high moral ground stating why don’t politcians have a sense of humour or know the language?
Now Please don’t say our 4th estate is corrupt and they did this just to sensationalise the news and create news when they had none. How many times do I need to remind you its all cause they do not have the knowledge.
Now I know a lot of you cynics will say all this is done for TRP, money, eyeballs, etc, etc but I honestly still feel its cause they do not have a dictionary with them. Hence I would like to contribute to them. I will admit I am doing so for my own selfish reasons as tomorrow when I have kids, I want one headache less. At least the media can do the job of teaching them English like my dad learnt, and anyone who knew him will admit that his hold on the language was par excellence. For all those who agree with me, PLEASE PLEASE DO CONTRIBUTE. All contributions towards this noble cause will grant you a place in the history for saving the English language.
PS : Same applies for all vernacular language and hence please contribute generosuly for them too.

We don’t need to outsource terrorists…we manufacture them in-house and elect them to power

Modern Day Terrorists

Terrorism today is and rightly so, one of the educated modern world’s biggest threat. Its no longer a distant reality which happens only in Kashmir in our country, or Iran or Iraq but something which can happen to any one of us. Its no longer confined to the lower strata of society but something which can affect even the elite of today. Today it is our duty to fight it and irradicate it or tomorrow we too will fall victims of the same. Today an Osama Bin Laden is no longer a problem that affect Afghanistan but even our very own India. Terrorism is a reality.

But before we start on fighting terrorism, it is important to know what defines terrorism. Now wikipedia has a big article on the same topic. Terrorism apparently comes from the latin word  which means to frighten. The word “terrorism” was first recorded in English-language dictionaries in 1798 as meaning “systematic use of terror as a policy”. Terrorism is nothing but the act or threat of violence by any individual, group, organization aimed at to secure predetermined ends through illegal channels.
Now on reading this article on wikipedia the thoughts which should naturally come to our mind would be of Osama Bin Laden or Hafiz Sayed or a Kasab. But strange that after reading the article the names which came to my mind were of Raj Thakeray, Bajrang Dal, Shiv Sena, Pramod Muthalik, Narendra Modi, Mayavati, etc….our political class and their so called outfits.
Today a Raj Thakeray can get up and openly say he will break every movie theatre which shows a “Wake up Sid” cause they called Mumbai, Bombay. Now is that not an act of terrorism? They threatened violence, its illegal to stop screening and it was for a predertermined end. Now terrorism, could not have been defined better than by this act. But we cannot call them terrorists cause we elected them.
A Shiv Sena has for years on raged terror on Valentine’s Day claiming it is against Indian culture, etc or whatever crap they have. They have systematically used terror as a way to get what they want or at least try. They have terrorised the Muslims, the North Indians, etc in the name of Marathi Manoos and got away with it. There was an interview of Uddhav Thakeray a few days back in NDTV where he said he knew how to use his hand in other ways too if people did not listen to him. In other words, agree to what i say or face the music. Terrorism is defined in OED as the systematic use of terror and for Shiv Sena it seems to be part of their political agenda. Then pray tell me how is that not terrorism?
We have a Mayavati who openly gets up and conducts meetings and says if the courts of India tries and stops her from getting those parks up, India will see bloodbath, that they have never seen in their life. Now according to League of Nations Convention (1937) “All criminal acts directed against a State and intended or calculated to create a state of terror in the minds of particular persons or a group of persons or the general public”.  So tell me how is this act of Mayavati not an act of terrorism.
Of course we also along with that have instances of Narendra Modi heaping terror on Muslims in the Gujarat riots, we have heard of HKL Bhagat terrorising and killing Sikhs in the 1984 riots, we have had the likes of Pramod Muthalik who can openly say they will beat us women up if we are seen in a pub, etc. We live in a democracy where politicians openly say that if you not with me, it means you against me and I will kill you. West Bengal proves is proving it everyday for the last one year where the opposition and the ruling party have killed humans like they are chickens
Yes today terrorism is India’s biggest threat and not cause of the Taliban or Al Qaeda or Hizb-ul-Mujahideen or the likes of the world…its the biggest threat cause we elect them to power every year and let them terrorise us and we succumb to it. Everyday when you go out, you don’t know if someone belonging to some outfit will terrorise you cause they don’t like your style of living or who you are. Yes terrorism is a threat but its in our hand to stop it by maybe not electing them or facing a change in the democratic system where hooligans who threat are not allowed to stand for elections Will we is a different question?
So till then I would like to really appeal to all known terrorists who belong to the various outfits like Al Qaeda, taliban, etc, etc…Please do not waste your energy and resources sending us terrorists. We grow them in-house and we democratically elect them too. We call our terrorists Politicians  . And unlike you guys they also get the safe haven that no law can ever even repirimand them, leave alone prosecute them. So leave us alone. We are not outsourcing terror anymore. We have enough in-house.

My horoscope matches yours – I am God

Horoscope matching

This horoscope matching phenomenon which has the fancy of at least 50% of my countrymen is certainly an interesting concept and one which can have many uses if used properly.  Thanks to serials and all those movies doing the rounds horoscope matching is now more fashionable than it was maybe 30 years ago. So much so for progress. Anyway like I said, if used properly this can really be a successful phenomenon.

Now according to astrologers horoscope plays a very important role in our lives. So if I want to do business with you, if I want to marry you, for it to be successful, the only thing which will work is our horoscopes to match. Else doomsday.
Now here is some of the things I have heard astrologers say…if a person (read :girl )  is manglik (meaning if Mars is prevalent in your horoscope), your husband is sure to die unless he too has the same problem. Hence the solution is marry a tree, dog, etc first so that that object dies and then you free of the curse. AWESOME IDEA.  So why not make use of this idea.  Here we are running pillar to post wondering will we give capital punishment to Kasab, Dawood, etc and all the villains of the world.  One has to fight those human rights activists who seem to think all human rights belong to people who kill humans. So now this is what the law should do. Make a horoscope of the villain they want to do away with and pray he not manglik. Advertise for all the manglik girls who want to serve the nation and get them married off to these guys. And Poof !!!!! They are dead !!!!!!!!! So you are saved of the villains, the girls do a great deed, the girls lose their curse and can marry a man of their choice and human rights people are thrilled cause we got them married off. GREAT IDEA RIGHT???  Besides this will spare us of all the environment rights and animal rights people who will one of these days wake up to realise we are killing the dogs and plants through such means  . We can of course use this method to even pick up supari (collecting money to kill people). So instead of going by those boring old methods of killing someone using the gun, knives and all, we get them married and BANG (no pun intended) we have them dead !!!!!!!!!!!!
Now lets look at what else a horoscope can do for you. It can get you wealth, health, kids, etc, etc. In other words if an infertile man marries a girl whose horoscope matches his, he can produce kids. Medical Science be damned. In other words if a doctor finds a man who comes to him for being infertile, he has a brand new prescription to offer. A girl whose horoscope matches yours !!!!!  And this is one treatment which is fool proof.
Now lets take the case of some man who is a failure or whose business is failing. Ideally you would go to a consultant, etc and try and try and reorganise and reengineer your business. And pay a fortune for it. But now we have a much better way to handle it. We get you a wife whose horoscope matches yours. Consider it as a bonus offer – Have your business up and running and get a wife too FREE FREE FREE !!!!!!!!!
In other words we are God !!!! We can make or break you and even kill you by just the power of when we were born !!!!  Lucky us !!! And thank God for horoscopes which give us so much power in the world that previously we knew only God had !!!!!!  HENCE SALUTE US  . And salute all those who made horoscopes so important.
PS : And for readers who would want to know why me saying the power of horoscopes lies only with women, its cause in India we are still regressive enough to think women bring in the luck for a man. Science and logic and progress be damned
Am also hoping that one of these days the Govt of the worlds will accept all my theories and pay me money for these awesome ideas

Another open letter to Mr Bal Thakeray…Extending my support(sic) again

Dear Mr Thakeray,

I hope my last letter has reached you and you have realised what an ardent fan and follower you have in me. Sir, this letter is being sent to you as I am seriously worried about you and your party’s health and want to once again extend my humble support to you.

The divisive politics of Bal Thakeray

Sir, I have been following the news following the Pune attack. Sir, you should immediately break ties with the BJP and even some of your party men should refrain from talking to the media. Sir, you guys have blamed the ruling Maharashtra for the the Pune attacks blaming them that had they not used the entire police force to ensure the smooth release of “My Name is Khan” this would not have happened. Sir, for the first time you have got the support of the entire country cause most feel this way, except they all have attached a rider to your statement. Sir, everyone saying had you not created a ruckus and ensured that the police had not been occupied to protect the state from your hooliganism, which unfortunately they had to do, they would have been able to stop this Pune attack. Oh sir, you do not understand, they will now implicate you, and sir this time they will hang you sir, as you are guilty of ensuring a terrorist attack in this country. Oh sir, I fear for you.
Sir, there is one more problem I heard which is cropping up for you. I heard sir, most industries including the film industry have got tired of your mafia politics and have decided to shift base from Maharashtra to other states. Sir then sir what will happen? Sir, I fear many Maharashtrians will then be forced to leave the city affecting your vote percentage, but sir, I think that will not affect you much as the sane people who will leave would anycase have never voted for you. But sir, what will affect you is the fact is the people who will stay back. Sir, they will mostly have no jobs left except to drive a taxi, which thanks to all your hooliganism will be reserved only for them. But problem, sir will be that by then no one in Maharashtra will have any money left to ride a taxi as no jobs will be there. And sir, all these Maharashtrians you fighting for to become cab drivers will finally get cabs but without any passengers. Sir, then even this miniscule percentage of people, who still, for some weird concocted reason vote for you, will stop voting for you and rather abuse you. Sir, what will you do then? You will move into oblivion and die a slow death either in jail (where you will have lots of company with the likes of you) or in your huge home alone. Oh sir, I feel so sad.
Sir, fearing this I came up with an idea which sir, I got it from you and your supporters. Sir, like your supporters bought tickets for Mr ShahRukh Khan to leave for Lahore, I bought tickets for you sir. I raised money which every citizen in the country was so willingly read to give (God bless each one of them. They are so nice sir, to do this good deed to help you out). Sir, I bought tickets for you for every country in the world, so that you can go anywhere in the world sir. But sir, I again ran into problems. No other country sir, was ready to have you, even for a day, as a guest, forget having you as a permanent citizen. Oh sir, now what will you do sir? India does not want you and the countries will not take you. Sir, you have no future sir. Oh sir, I guess your only future will be in jail (which I think will be a safe haven for you sir) or sir it will be by being beaten up in public sir, by citizens of India, and since they have learned it very well from who else but you, they know the art of beating up people quite well.
Sir, I feel so sorry for you. I was such an ardent admirer, fan and follower of you. Oh sir, if only you had mend your ways and did what is good for the country, you would have had such a different life. Oh sir, what will happen to me now that you gone sir. Oh sir, you are doomed.
Sir, I have to end my letter now. I cannot control my tears any more as am so heartbroken, visualising your complete dark future. I wish these Indians understood what a great man you were. After all, you could do what no man has ever done. Unite every Indian. Unite them in their belief that you sir, are nothing but a menace to society and every Indian. I wish they sir, realised how you became bad so they could be united (Sir, that .01% who still vote for you, will stop voting soon too, so I can say it will be a 100% vote against you). But such is life, sir.
Your ardent admirer till her dying breath
Priyashmita

An open letter to Mr Bal Thakeray…And to Support(sic) him

Dear Mr Thakeray,

The divisive politics of Bal Thakeray

I really will say I have become quite an admirer of you. Who else has the guts to tell people like Mr Sachin Tendulkar, Mr Shah Rukh Khan, Mr Mukesh Ambani that they are traitors, etc with such elan and panache I wonder. But you do, and for that I salute you.

And since I am such admirer of you, I hope you will let me ask you a few questions which will clarify some doubts I have. Sir, I am only asking these as I want to defend you, when people speak against you which today constitutes 99.99% of the countrymen and women.

You have been saying that we should not let Australian players play in India. I completely support you on this. How dare they beat us up and how can we let them play in our country post that? But just a small question, when you beat up North Indians and Maharashtrians go to North India to play for various sports, I hope it is ok for them to stop them from playing or for that matter working there or living there? Naah? Oh wrong question I guess. I am sorry sir. I completely forgot different rules apply for you and for others. I will remember this next time someone tells me this sir. Oh sorry, I should not have said that in public? Am so sorry sir. Forgive me.

There is one more thing I support you for sir. Your total vandalism during Valentine day celebrations. How can we allow something so western in our country. Its completely unacceptable to tell someone you love them. I too deplore it. Hence you spread hatred which I agree India stands for. But sir, somebody that day told me there was a singer called Mr Michael Jackson who was a great pop star in USA. (I am against western culture and hence do not know much, but I hear he represented the western culture quite well). Sir, did you bring him to our country for a music concert? But sir, that would have spoilt our generations for years to come cause it was completely western and people would be dancing and singing sir? Oh sorry, did you say that was business and money for you and your family and hence acceptable? And on that ground, you are ok to let western civilisation take over us? Well sir, I apologise then. Next time anyone speaks against you, on this ground I will tell them this. Oh oh, I am sooooo sorry. That was not for public knowledge, right sir? Forgive me, will you sir for letting out the secret?

Sir, there was another subject which has been brought to my notice. Your son and you too always say that you don’t support vandalism and when people belonging to your party vandalise they do it as a spontaneous reaction. Sir, I completely agree. How can you control people sir? But sir, people are giving some weird definitions of being a leader. Some people have the gaul to say that a leader means he has followers whom he can control, who listen to him. One even told me dictionary defines leadership as a process by which a person influences others to accomplish an objective. So if you cannot control them it means you not a leader. Sir I of course told them, it is completely untrue and you can control and these followers are doing so cause you are telling them to, else would not. I did the right thing sir, right? They were saying you not a leader. Oh sorry, did I goof up? Does that implicate you in criminal proceedings for supporting and initiating vandalism? I am so sorry Sir. Please forgive me.

By the way Sir, I want to congratulate you sir for taking on the mights of Sachin Tendulkar, Mr Mukesh Ambani, Mr Shah rukh Khan. I completely agree sir they are traitors. After all what have they done for us? Got us awards and made country proud? Made the Indian economy go soaring high? Made us an international force in the world in each of their respective domains? And not supporting you in something, becuase it is unconstitutional? Of course sir they are traitors. You sir, is the true champion of Indians. You are advocating dividing the country and talking something that the constitution says gives the country to arrest you and put you behind bars. But so what sir. Even freedom fighters went behind bars and that time what they said was unconstitutional as far as the British were concerned. You sir, are managing single handedly to do what Pakistan, whom you call as our enemy can never ever achieve . Dividing the country and making us hate our own countrymen, thus weakening the country. Oh sorry, wrong analogy sir? Am I getting you into trouble? I apologise sir. Please Please forgive me sir.

And finally sir, please please do something about these people who say bad bad things about you. Sir, they say you a hypocrite sir. Sir, they saying you actually had Mr Javed Miandad in your home who happens to be related to Mr Dawood Ibrahim, our most wanted criminal? Sir apparently post that you did a press conference praising him. And sir, these bad bad majority Indians, are also saying if you so against relationships with Pakistan, why are you not screaming at Mr Amitabh Bachhan who is reciting poetry with them for some very wrong program that Times of India is conducting in India called “Aman ki Asha”? Sir they are calling you publicity hungry and thats why you opposing “My Name Is Khan”. But sir, I fiercely fought for you. I told them you against “My Name is Khan” cause Mr ShahRukh Khan made some innocuous statement that we Indians should have shown more grace when we handle Pakistan players especially when there is a problem. I told them sir how dare Mr ShahRukh say something which show Indians in a positive light. We will never accept such blasphemy. But sir, one problem I could not tell them why you allowed Mr Javed Miandad to come and then praised him or why you not saying anything against TOI and Mr Bachhan, who is your friend, cause it supports the same thing you opposing. Sir, I keep saying its cause its been slipping your mind. You will oppose it too. Right, Sir? No, sir? Oh sorry sir, you cannot as they are your friends and you actually have no such cause that you believe in? Oh sir, you mean in your heart of hearts you actually a hypocrite who does not follow what you preach? Oh sorry sir, I again told something in public which I should not sir. Sorry sir, I fall at your feet. Please forgive me for confirming what all know sir. Please sir, I know you love apologies and I am apologising from the bottom of my heart sir.

Sir, I guess I am really making things bad for you by letting the cat out of the bag. I don’t want to sir, cause I really admire you. Hence I will not write anymore sir. Hope sir, I have not harmed you in any way.

But sir, before I end I want to tell you a few things, which might actually help you.

1. Promote Australians to kill us more. So far mostly they have killed north indians. It will take the burden off you from killing them
2. Promote V day. Makes more economic sense like it did when you brought it Mr Jackson
3. Slyly help Pakistani terrorists, etc divide us. Will help your agenda in removing all North Indians away from Maharashtra and you can be happy with only Maharashtrians in your land.

And Sir, to all who call us a banana republic, I say we not. We a republic who have the most thick skinned buffoons as their citizens and hence we vote for you Mr Thakeray and we do not ban parties like you.

I salute you sir and I salute us Indian citizens even more for voting you and your party year after year, even though they know what you represent. For that sir, and that alone, we deserve you and deserve the way you sending the country to the dogs !! Keep up the good work sir.

With deepest regards

Priyashmita

PS : And I hope I will not be asked to tender any further apology, sir, as have apologised all through the letter. I am aware how much you love apologies

Why my grand uncle got a zero in maths…

As a kid my grand uncle (shancha) used to keep telling me a story as to why he a got a zero in maths. Its a story I grew up hearing and a story, even today when I hear makes me laugh. So here is my attempt to tell that to all and to make all smile 

Mathematics

My grand uncle scored a zero in maths. Of course because of that everyone scolded him, his principal beat him, his friends laughed at him but he was quite undeterred. The reason was that had he attempted the problems and then got a zero he would have had a reason to be ashamed. But the fact is he did not even attempt a single sum. Why did he not, is what this story is all about.
The first problem stated “Simplify the following”. Now why in God’s name should one simplify a complex thing and why? The logic was beyond him and hence he refused to attempt that sum.
The second problem was the following. An alcohol shop owner was mixing 1 gallon water with every 5 gallons of alcohol. Now if every gallon alcohol cost Rs 50 (I am talking 50 years back) and he sold it at Rs 70, how much profit would he make by selling 30 gallons of alcohol?
Now my grand uncle could not believe it. Firstly we discussing alcohol which is so tabboo and on a corrupt alcohol dealer? And to think that someone thought he was going to solve this problem and help that corrupt man? No way !! Thus he did not solve this problem
The third maths problem was this. Divide Rs 100 among 3 men and 2 women in such a way that every man gets 10 Rs more than every woman. Now this was too much for my grand uncle. Our constitution gives equal right to men and women and here his maths teacher wanted him to solve a problem which snatched that right and was so unconstitutional? How could he solve it and disregard what the constitution stood for? Hence he had to let go of solving this problem too.
The fourth problem was about a trader. The problem given to him was that a trader bought 500 metres of cloth at 20 Rs a metre. He was selling it at 25 Rs a metre. But cause his scale had an error, for every metre he was selling actually 20 cms less. So how much profit would he make for that 500 metre of cloth he sold? Now instead of reporting the matter to the police how could his maths teacher expect him to solve this problem and help such a corrupt man? And so, he refused to be party to such corrupt practices and did not even attempt to solve this problem either.
The final problem given in the exam was that a 10 feet long bamboo which was covered in oil, had bananas attached at the top. Now a monkey was trying to reach it to eat and every 10 minutes he was climbing one feet but dropping 20 metres owing to the oily bamboo. How long would the monkey take to finally reach and eat the bananas? Now even in those day and age my grand uncle was quite aware of the animal activist groups. Now he wondered should he actually solve this problem and help his maths teacher and monkey around with a monkey or should he go and inform the animal rights group that such inhumanity was being practiced against them. Of course he chose the latter and hence decided not to attempt this sum as well.
End result, he got a zero. Of course cause of that everyone scolded him, beat him up, ridiculed him but till date he is quite proud of his achievement. Of course cause of this he never really made it as big as his so called classmates who ignored all ethics and sided with criminals, cheats, animal torturers but till this date no one can make us smile the way shancha can.
Enjoy !!!