World war 3….

World Cup Semi final 2011

So today is world war 3 – at least for India and Pakistan. It’s like everyone’s life depended on this game. Companies have given off. Year ending filings have all been postponed to tomorrow. Basically life has come to a standstill till the results are declared. The team which wins today will be considered God, and the team which loses will be called traitors – Forget the logic that one team has to loose today, no matter what, but for the losing country they will be traitors. Had it been the olden days, we would have made the losers sit on a donkey with their faces smeared with black soot and thrown them out of the county……..THANKFULLY SUCH THINGS CANNOT BE DONE TODAY. Anyway such is the illogical madness of a India-Pakistan World Cup Semi-FInal Match.



But my topic is not about that madness. It’s about the pressure on me, to ensure India wins.. It so happens that I come from a crazy family. Apparently during the ’83 World Cup I slept through most of the match or at least the first innings. Not surprising as I was hardly a few years old and I could not make out head or tail of what the madness at home was all about. I did realise something major had happened when I was taken out in the middle of the night and we were all dancing and singing on the road and bursting crackers like it was Diwali. Anyway I digress. So it so happened that I slept and India won the first ever World Cup. From then on my dad made it mandatory for me to sleep during an important match. It seemed India was not winning cause it had any ability, but any victory was credited to my sleeping during the first innings of the match. I did ask my dad, can’t the India team pay me money to sleep cause after all its all cause of me, but then he said it would then amount to match-fixing. Hence the answer was no  .

This madness was not just limited to cricket. I come from Calcutta where Football is another craze and world war 3 erupts everytime, there is an East Bengal and Mohun Bagan match. I remember as a kid, we used to stay in a locality where we were the only East Bengal supporters. Of course it so happened that during those days, most times East Bengal won. Anyway my duty was before the match I had to go knocking at every house and tell them they will loose, and after we won, I had to again go knocking at every door and call them losers. Oh and then I had to go hang a huge “Hilsa” Fish and the East Bengal flag from our window, just to rub salt in their wounds. Of course if the reverse happened all those families would call me moment I am out, and tell me the same thing. It did not matter that I was maybe a 2 year old and they were all 30 year olds and above, but yet the rivalry was on. Such was the juvenile madness. To make matters worse I had to wear the same red and yellow dress for 3 years, even though I had outgrown it ages back, cause that was the dress I wore when once East Bengal won by 6 goals. It did not matter that I was stifling in it, I had to wear it. I had to sit on the same spot and not move, even to go the restroom, cause Mohan Bagan had once given a goal when I had got up from my fixed place for 2 mins. Like I said, madness ruled supreme. Now Hilsa fish is a sign of East Bengal and Prawns were for Mohan Bagan. On the day of the match prawns were not allowed even in the vicinity of home. Once I went somewhere and by mistake had just one tiny piece of prawn and sadly Mohan Bagan won that day. My dad called me a traitor and all, till ma got up and literally threatened to divorce him if he tortured a 3 year old with such nonsense. But such was the madness at home.

Now forward to 2011. My dad is no longer there, but am sure wherever in heaven he is, he is torturing people up there with similar madness to ensure India wins. And back here on earth, the tradition of my torture continues, even though Baba is not there. My partner has already warned me if I do not sleep during the match and God forbid something bad happens, we can forget our partnership and all. He will not even talk to me again. Friendship and business be damned. And of course so is India’s ability.

So here I go to sleep in a short while from now. Just remember if India wins, its cause I slept. Of course if they loose, its cause of their inability.


On that note, cheers to India. For God’s sake win the match.

My mom....and Facebook.... :)

Ma's first time experience using Facebook

A few days back I opened a Facebook account for ma. She was wanting to know what is that is so special about it. Now, following is what happened post that (Names of person have been changed to X and Y and the likes to maintain secrecy):



Day 1


Me : So how was your first day on Facebook?

Ma : Good but I had a question?

Me : What?

Ma: Isn’t X and her husband staying with each other anymore?

Me : Of course she is. Why would you get such a stupid idea?

Ma : Oh then why was she telling her husband what she should tell him in the realms of her bedroom, in the public space for all of us to see?

Me : Cause that is the new age love ma.

Ma : So the new age love means discussing your bedroom secrets in public?

Me : Yes ma…

Ma : Oh !!!


Day 2


Me : So how was your second day with Facebook?

Ma : I want to delete Y from my profile. He is a sadist and not my friend.

Me : Ha !! What did he do?

Ma : I wrote today on my wall “I am not feeling well” and he went and liked that comment. I thought he was a friend, but he is a sadist and no friend of mine.

Me : No ma. He is. Liking, is the Facebook language which interpreted in your language, means he does not like you having fever.

Ma : Ha ??

Me : Leave it. It does not make sense to me either.

Ma : Oh !!!


Day 3

Ma : What kind of a friend of yours is Z?

Me : Why?

Ma : He sent me a heart which had some romantic message on it, today. I did not know how to react, so I deleted it, but he needs to know he cannot send me such things. He is old enough to be my son?

Me : LOL. Ma he was not sending you his love. He was playing a game

Ma: A game?

Me : Ya. If you had accepted the heart you would have moved one step closer to solving a jigsaw puzzle. Currently I own 115 hearts and on level 16.

Ma : Oh !!!!


Day 4

Ma : Who is this A? Does he have no manners?

Me : He is a friend of Cousin B. What did he do?

Ma : He has no manners. He does not know me and even if he did, does he not know he should not go poking ladies? Today when I logged in, I saw an alert that A has poked me. Had he been in front of me, I would have whacked him. Rude, insolent urchin.

Me : Ma !!! He was just saying Hi to you…

Ma : Hi to me? By poking me?

Me : Yes ma, that’s the Facebook language of Hi.

Ma : Oh !!!!!


Day 5

Ma : I have new follower today for my blog, a Mr J who uses “Networked Blogs”

Me : Congratulations !!

Ma : He said he liked me blog and is following it and has asked me to follow him back in his blog

Me : So do so.

Ma : But isn’t it the norm to follow blogs when you like them and plan to keep reading them?

Me : Yes, so?

Ma : No, just that his blog is in Spanish, and mine is in Bengali? So……

Me : Oh !!!!!


Day 6

Me : Ma, why have you written in your FaceBook wall that you are going to the loo?

Ma : Well I was seeing everyone updating their every move every minute. And after you told me everything is today’s Facebook way of life, I thought I had to update every minute of my life there. And today I did nothing which I could update about, so when I went to the loo, I thought let me update that? Why? What happened?

Me : Ma !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Day 7


Me : So how has been your experience so far in Facebook?

Ma : Well I learnt that whatever I have learnt so far in my little over of 50 years of life is all trash.

Me : Meaning?

Ma : Well for starters I learnt that it’s ok to go poking ladies you have never ever met and its considered fine. I learnt it’s ok to talk your bedroom details in public or wash your dirty linen in full of others, and its not considered crass. You can be a sadist and enjoy your friend’s misery and you are still considered a friend. We were taught as kids never to talk to strangers but here we can merrily add strangers as friends and never knowing who they really are. The phrase “You scratch my back and I scratch yours” has now changed to “You follow my blog and I will follow yours”. Must say in 7 days I never learnt so much as I learnt via Facebook.

Me : So you continuing?

Ma : Hell No!!!. I am 50+. I don’t think I can handle so much of unlearning at this age. I will go delete my profile tomorrow.

Needless to say, contrary to all her misgivings, its been nearly a month and ma is merrily continuing on Facebook. having learnt all the Facebook language and nuances, and I suspect quite enjoying the ride. Guess end of the day, that is the pull of Facebook…

PS : This is part fiction and part reality

Conversations with my Ma…# 3

Ma and Me

This is my third post on my ongoing series of conversations with my mom…



Now I have this firm belief that parents should always praise their kids, in front of outsiders, even if its blatant lies. Now Ma has no such intentions as for her honesty comes above all. Fine enough but she takes this love of telling people about me to another level altogether. Tell her anything under the sun and Ma can relate it back to me and how useless I am at home. Its like an “Association game”. Say anything and Ma can start her complaints about me  . You don’t believe. Sample these….


Conversation 1 :


Guest : You have a lovely home


Ma : Thank You


Guest : It must be quite a effort you put in to keep it so lovely


Ma : Of course, wish my daughter also appreciated the effort and helped me in keeping the home clean. But she takes exactly 10 minutes to dirty everything, after she is back from office.


Me : Ma??????????????


Ma : What? Am I lying????


END OF CONVERSATION



Conversation 2 :


Guest : How do you spend your days here in Bangalore, now that you have shifted from Calcutta?


Ma : Oh I read,I write, I have friends whom I meet from time to time, I go out and then managing this home also takes a lot of my time


Guest : I can see that. Your house is so clean. It must be a major task keeping it so spic and span and must keep you quite busy.


Ma : Thank you so much. And yes it is. And my daughter ensures that I have no free time all day, lest I get bored. You see I will clean everything and she will take exactly 10 minutes to dirty everything ensuring I have to repeat the entire task again. Thanks to her I can never ever feel bored


Me : Ma??????????????


Ma : What? I am praising you and saying how you are always so thoughtful


END OF CONVERSATION




Conversation 3 :


Guest : Hey tell me something, I just saw all the lovely brass items and the crystals. How long does it take 
to clean them?


Ma : Oh I spend at least an hour and a half cleaning them daily and then I polish them weekly too. Takes quite a bit of time. Of Course it takes my lovely daughter less than 10 minutes to dirty them again


Me : Ma??????????????


Ma : What? Nowadays it takes you lesser time is it?


END OF CONVERSATION

My home

PS : This is a picture of a part of my home. Between You and me, I do know the efforts taken to keep it this lovely

Conversations with my Ma…# 2

Ma and Me

This is the second posting on the ongoing series of conversations with my Mom.

Now usually if am travelling out of my city, I prefer staying in hotels. Being a house-guest is something I preferably avoid as its too much work - you know I have to be on my best behaviour and all? Anyway, there are times when either cause I have been invited or cause if I do not stay with someone it becomes a sticky issue (This is India, and such things play a huge role). Anyway if I ever have to stay as a house-guest, ma goes through those anxiety pangs where she feels if her daughter stays somewhere, the truth of how useless her daughter is will come out (somehow I am unable to convince her that no one expects me to be useful around the house at all, and if they still invite me its at their own risk :P). Anyway, so before any trip Ma usually runs the following do's and don'ts with me, just before I am leaving. Following is the sample of such a conversation...

 Ma : You will be staying with people, so please do not let them realise that you are a slob.

Me : Yes ma, but you know that they do know it, right?

Ma : (ignoring my statement as always) So do you promise to make your own bed every morning before you get out of the rooom?

Me : Yes ma - Check !!

Ma : Will you ensure that after food, you clean your own dishes and try and help them cleaning their's too?

Me : Yes ma - Check !!

Ma : And please keep your clothes neat and clean and not lying around the room.

Me : Yes ma - Check !!

Me : And do you promise to help people in the kitchen when you are at home and not order people around?

Me : Yes Ma - Check !!

Ma : SO THAT MEANS YOU CAN DO EVERYTHING AROUND THE HOUSE BUT YOU WON'T IN YOUR OWN HOME. WHY? CAUSE YOU HAVE AN UNPAID SERVANT AT HOME CALLED YOUR MOTHER? 

Me : D-u-h..d-u-h...ahhh....Ma I am going to miss the flight!!! Bye Ma. See you soon Ma..

AND SCOOT !!!!

END OF CONVERSATION

Conversations with my Ma…# 1

Ma and Me

Along with my ongoing series about “Parenting” and things I learnt from my parents, starting today I am going ahead with a series on things I do not like about my parents…  .

Now I am perfect is an accepted fact. But then there are certain things I do not like to do. Please note the catchphrase here is “do not like to do” and not “that I cannot do” (hello am perfect and I can do everything). So one of those things which I do not like to do is cleaning my room. Ma on the other hand (and so was Baba), loves everything perfect. It’s like even at 4 am she wants the home to look like some guest will enter any minute. Nevertheless its a regular fight between us. So one day, I come home and Ma is livid at me. Here is a sample of the conversation we had :

Me : Are you upset? (I know she is cause her face is stern and she is not talking to me)

Ma: Yes

Me: Why?

Ma: Am I your maidservant? And that too an unpaid one?

Me: Is that a question which demands an answer from me? (somehow I know whatever I say, it will land me in trouble)

Ma: (Completely ignoring my question) Do you know, I work the entire day to keep this home spic and span and how long does it take for you to dirty everything? Go to your room and see. Everyday I clean this house and you come back and in 10 minutes you manage to make the entire home look like a shit-hole (Read: entire room is just my bedroom where no one ever enters and God knows how it would matter if it is in a mess)

Me : OK…so you cleaned it up. So why you angry?


Ma: Well I thought I potty-trained you when you were two. I was not aware that even at this age I had to go clean the shit my daughter makes. Hence I am angry…


END OF CONVERSATION…

Starting a new Series called "Conversations with Ma/Baba"

My Parents

Now some of you guys have reading my posts got this weird idea that my parents are like awesome and you know how lucky I am that they are my parents. Now let's first set the record straight. Their biggest achievement till date has been that they had me as their daughter - a perfect embodiment of everything sugar and spice and everything nice :)
(This is of course withstanding the fact that my dad was awfully talented whose artwork is still admired, whose english was so good that even lawyers would come to him to make him draft their letters, he could paint, he could draw, was an awesome cook, etc and my ma is a fantastic cook to the extent that she can make her own recipes and anyone who eats her food tells her to open restaurants, she can write poems which has got even published, she is a super duper interior decorator and has been called by people to decorate their homes, etc)

So starting today I will start a new series, which will go alongside my "Parenting" series as to how mean and horrible my parents are called "Conversations with Ma" and "Conversations with Baba" and how they basically its me who makes them great.... :P

Karva Chauth for George Clooney

George Clooney

This entire Valentine's day everyone asked me what was I doing for George Clooney. Now I was tired of telling all that for 4 years after what I did for Mr Clooney its time he did something for me.

So all will ask me what have I done for him? Well do you know I have done Karva Chauth for him for 4 years now? (For all people who do not know what Karva Chauth is, its a fast Indian women do for their husbands or would be husbands for their well being. They go without food and water an entire day and break their fast after seeing the moon)

Now of course since its ME doing Karva Chauth, there has to be a slight twist to it, right? So this is the way I do it. SINCE HE IN THE USA I DO IT DURING US TIME ZONES ...so post dinner i eat nothing and drink nothing..till next day breakfast..YOU GUYS HAVE NO CLUE HOW TOUGH IT IS...oooooofffffff...IT IS SUPER DUPER ARDUOUS JOB...helloooo did I hear someone say this is no Karva Chauth? Dear if our BPO firms can call up people in USA and say "Good morning" in the middle of our night, or call their dinner as lunch in keeping in tandem with US time zones, then why can I not do Karva Chauth in US time zones? Pray tell me why? You cannot cause what I am doing is completely right :P

Of Course I know there are still some of you complete disbelievers who will want to run me down and say where is the moon for me to break my fast? Well dear, for that I have Google to thank for. You want to see the moon in Hollywood and boom you get the moon. So before I break my night-long tough fast, all I do is go to Google and view the moon in Hollywood, and then his picture and take my first sip of water after a night long of no food and water....AND I AM DOING THIS RELIGIOUSLY FOR THE LAST 4 YEARS WITHOUT A BREAK:P

NOW TELL ME IS THERE ANYONE WHO CAN CLAIM TO LOVE GEORGE CLOONEY MORE THAN ME OR WHO DESERVES HIM MORE THAN ME?

Am I modern?

Yesterday I had a very weird experience – There is this person who sent me a friend request on facebook. Now generally I avoid adding people I dont know unless there is a common link. Now this gentleman had a common link and I felt why not. Of course half hour later i regretted my decision when I realised he did not know the boundaries of an online acquaintaince and deleted and blocked him off (but then thats another story), but there was a comment he made, which got me thinking. After a couple of minutes of converstation he asked me do I go to a disco. My answer was yes of course and he replied – “Strange cause from the clothes you wear in your pictures one cannot make out you are so modern”. I replied that I wasnt aware that discos had an uniform, but it got me wondering,  what makes someone modern?
I don’t smoke as I believe its bad for health- so does that mean I am not modern? I rarely drink and there is no reason for it except its my choice – So am I conservative? When I wear a sari or any indian dress does that make me regressive? Or when am out in a disco wearing a short skirt dancing with my friends – Is that the only time I am modern? I wonder. So to be modern, irresepective of my figure I need to flaunt what i have and don’t have or else I am “not in”. One of my favourite relations in the world always used to introduce me to his friends saying oh she is very dated – why cause I dont drink and smoke? Even then I wondered had I smoked would I have been more today? (Please note this comment was made more in jest as my relative is very modern)
I always believed I was modern. Cause being modern for me is in the head. Like my good friend Prashant Khurana says being sexy is in your brain and not in your body, for me same went for being modern. I am modern cause I dont believe that rules are different for me and different for others. When I lost my dad 10 years ago I did my best to try and get Ma married off again cause I felt she was too young to be alone. When I failed to convince her, I was the one who got her out to have a life of her own. I was the one who got her inducted in my friend circle so she could be friends with my group as well. I am modern cause I treat my mother like a woman and not the way many of my friends / relatives/ acquaintances treat their mothers. Moms for them are meant to be at home a la nirupa roy. I am modern cause for me she is a human being and I treat her that way.
I am today’s woman cause I get bugged when someone tells me I am so great in looking after my mom after my dad, something traditionally a son is expected to do. I am modern cause I dont think its great. If I can ask for equality I shouldn’t expect people to praise me for something I am supposed to do.
 I am modern cause I am liberal. I don’t believe my truth is the only truth in the world. I believe another viewpoint can exist, of course disagreeing with them is my prerogative. I dont believe cause I am straight I cannot have gay friends. I am so proud of each and every of my gay friend and am proud to tell people yes they are gay and they are my friends and I love them for who they are. (please if i hurt any friend am sorry but I have had such shocking expressions from some people who heard I have friends who are gay that I had to say it here). And I am modern enough to say that I can accept anyone as gay (except the man I marry and that’s for obvious reasons). If tomorrow I have kids and they are gay, so be it. I will openly accept it. I am modern cause i preach and practice that I treat every human as equals – i dont care what colour, caste, gender, sexual preference, religious order they follow (when i say equal i mean equal to your capability 
I am modern cause I know that clothes doesn’t make a person but the person makes the clothes. I am modern cause I am equally comfortable in a sari as I am in modern clothes. I am modern cause I choose what I wear according to the occassion and do not depend on what the world wants me to wear.
I am today’s woman cause I don’t need to smoke and kill my body to show how smart I am. I am today’s woman cause I don’t need to get drunk to prove I am “in”. I am today’s woman cause I don’t get up and say treat me special cause I am a girl. I am today’s woman cause I believe that I can , have and will make it in the corporate world, not cause I am woman but cause i am able. I am modern cause I dont believe I need to prove I am modern for every person who questions my being so. I am modern cause I can blend equally with the past and the future.
I am modern cause I dont believe society is more important than the individual and his wishes. Hence on the death anniversary of my dad I don’t mourn his death but celebrate the life he led and throw a party just like he would have wanted us to remember him always – Full of life and having his rum and throwing parties 
I am who I am. Modern for some and regressive for othes….which sliver you see of me will depend on you 

The men I meet…

Is something wrong with me? Else why would I attract so many dimwits around the world? Its like its written on my face – “Hey are you dumb or shallow? Then can we become friends or at least can we talk?”. I will of course give you various examples to tell you why I feel so (If I hurt anyone in the process I am sorry, but my brains are hurting too much and hence I had to do this)

I will start with an incident quite a few years back..I met this guy in some get together. I had just come to Bangalore and he was introduced to me through someone. So one day we bump into each other and he is like “can we have coffee?” (this was the second time I met him). I was like ya..and then he went to an atm to withdraw the money..and you won’t believe what was the next thing he did….he actually showed me the atm slip and said..”Did you see my bank balance? Am rich” (quote unquote)…I WAS LIKE WHAT??????????????????????????????????….. Poor chap had a huge grin on his face and I guess was thrilled that he impressed me with his bank balance...I guess he felt the term "size matters" meant the size of his bank balance. Anyway I had to leave immediately as i could not control my laughter anymore..But since then i refuse to have coffee with anyone who needs to withdraw money before treating me for coffee 
Well if you think this was a lot hear the next one…I meet this guy through a business forum and we got to talking. He seemed quite nice and friendly and I was like now here seems to be a nice and ok guy. But of course my thoughts were short-lived. One day we had some work to discuss and we decided to meet for a working lunch as it was quite late. Somehow the work talk finished early and so we got to general chit-chat and he went on to talk about himself and somehow the conversation steered to the fact that he was interested in me…I was about to say I hardly know you when he went on to tell me about himself so that I get to know him..and this was his story…He believes in astrology..he had a live in gf for 3 years and when they decided to marry he went to an astrologer and the astrologer told him how bad this girl was for him…and that is when he realised that since she came into his life how many bad things had happened….and they broke up…and now that astrologer told him if he marries a girl from bengal his life would be awesome..hence his interest in me…I literally choked on the food and was about to die of laughter there..but stopped myself seeing how serious he was…luckily I used to carry two mobiles then and i urgently made a call from one to another and pretended there was an urgent call from office and ran out….and i must say i laughed so much on the way back that people on the road surely thought i was insane….anyway as it happened the relationship..both professional and personal did not move any more from there…though i regret it..cause i really wanted to ask this guy some questions..1. why after 3 years of a live in relationship did he feel the need to consult an astrologer to marry the same girl? 2. was that girl so powerful that she could affect his fate and if so wasn’t she eqivalent to God? But then I could not. Am still hoping to run into the guy someday and ask him these questions though..
Hello…are you guys laughing reading this?…Please am talking about my life’s tragedies..so can you guys stop laughing and read my sob story? Anyway life went on. One day a friend of mine wanted to send me something from Delhi and told me to meet this guy who was carrying the stuff for me. So I called up this chap and we planned to meet somewhere, where I could collect my stuff. Now of course after collecting my thing I could not say bye immediately and hence to be decent I decided to have coffee with him (condition was I pay as after the last incident i did not want to risk again)..now during the conversation the talks steered to about me and my past…so me being a general honest person did say that i had a relationship before and it ended and I gave the reason why I felt it had ended..he after hearing the story went on to refute me and gave me his reasons as to why he felt the same had ended..I tried telling him that my ex was a different kind of guy but to no avail. He went on and on and on and on and on…on his theories…I finally asked him ” Did you know him?” But of course my humour fell flat on him…As it happened I never met him post that day…
Now if the above makes you wonder do I attract shallow people, you need to hear this story. I had just joined this firm and suddenly someone in HR sent me a sms that there was some colleague in some department whose wife had met with some accident and needed o+ve blood. I did not know who the colleague was and of course much less his wife. I called up HR and took the details and forwarded the sms to all I knew in Bangalore stating the criticality of the patient as well (My blood group wasnt o+ve so I of course could not donate). Of course some people responded saying sorry it wasnt their group, some saying hey we are not but we have other friends who can donate, some sent a url where I can check for other donors and some sent saying they have the same blood group and are of course willing to donate….But the one sms which surpassed every sms I have ever got was this one..This guy sent me this sms and here I am putting it quote unquote “Hi. My blood group is o +ve. But I would have to attend a birthday party today, so I can donate tomorrow”. I swear I did not know whether I was supposed to laugh or cry reading that message. I mean how shallow are you? Well that was the first day I started doubting myself. I felt it must be me cause I really had felt this guy was different. NOW NOW STOP LAUGHING..am bloody serious about this…here I keep attracting all the nerds of the worlds and you guys are laughing? NOT FAIR…Of course in his defence I must say he told me the very first day that people say he is very shallow….it was my fault I did not believe it 
So you guys are already feeling sorry for me or not? Well wait there is more..now this is something my women friends would understand more….am sure many of you have had men call you up and telling you how they have fallen for you…now I ASSURE YOU I HAVE NEVER HAD SUCH LUCK….but what is worse is what happened to me…This man calls me up one day when am at work and announces that I am in love with him…YES YOU HEARD ME RIGHT…He did not say he was in love with me but I was in love with him..and the reason he called me was to break my heart cause he realised we were not meant to be..it took me a few minutes of course to grasp what he said…(i know i know you will think by now I should be used to such things, but I wasn’t)….anyway finally after a few minutes when I realised that my heart was broken I just asked why do you think so? He said he just knew as he was very smart (here i would like to state that though i had met the guy just three of four times but in his defence will admit was quite friendly with him)…I of course did not want to refute the guy as any further conversation would have made me burst out in laughter and i sadly realised the guy’s egoist head would have construed something else of that…hence i said ok and hung up…OF COURSE WHAT FOLLOWED NEXT WAS I LAUGHED SO MUCH THAT ALL MY COLLEAGUES IN OFFICE HAD TO TELL ME THEY WILL TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL TO STOP MY LAUGHTER…well after that i of course did call many of my friends to tell them that I was informed I am in love and the guy has rejected me…luckily I managed to nurse the broken heart back to health quite fast…i guess laughter and some fevicol did the trick…but till date this was my best love affair  …of course its sad that since then I never met him and I sincerely hope he has met his love…someone he loved and hopefully he is married off..but I hope he knows how true was my love and how much he missed out 
Anyway since that day I turned my life only to work and old friends..I realised that fate has decided that I have too many friends and hence its fate’s way of saying stop making new friends…This was my way of consoling myself after all the tragic meetings I had…..and I had stopped myself completely…till a few days back when I felt maybe things have changed and just maybe its not me…but I WAS WRONG…..cause in a few days i met this guy online who had no clue how to act….well it so happened that this fellow sent me an online request….Now i generally dont add people I dont know but of late I have accepted a few of them if they have a common friend….so here i acceped this guy in all faith that if he knew this friend he would definitely not be crass… so promptly this guy comes on to FB chat and starts talking to me…actually to be correct he bombarded me with questions (got a feeling he was carrying a questionnaire) which ranged from asking my age, my occupation, marital status, love life, education, etc…after answering a few I was forced to tell him that I dont enjoy really discussing my personal life, so if he could stop his questions. When he was refusing to relent I had to tell him that I wont answer as I felt it wasnt really important at this stage (I will be honest am now very skeptical of talking about myself owing to some above mentioned incidents)….I also made it very clear I don’t like it when people I dont know intrude on my personal space or cross the boundaries of familiarity with me….Anyway he stopped only to start off in 3 minutes and this time he asked me about whether i go to the disc…(i have written about this already)..i was surprised that my sarcastic comment about the uniform was understood and I felt maybe I was wrong…But once again my hope was short lived…in the next few minutes he asked me if he could tell me a story and before I could respond he went on to tell me a story on some king and his sexual escapades…I was like excuse me? Do you have any clue what are the boundaries of decency when you meet a girl or cause I go to a disc, the next assumption is you can the talk about sex?
ANYWAY I OF COURSE DELETED AND BLOCKED HIM IMMEDIATELY BUT SINCE THEN I HAVE REALISED THAT IT IS ME…I attract all nitwits, dimwits, shallow idiots of the world….else how does one justify all this?????..So please please please…if you don’t know me, don’t send me a friend request..and if you meet me offline dont initiate a conversation….it will just prove you are the above..CAUSE TRAGIC AS IT MAY SOUND I SEEM TO ATTRACT THEM BY THE DOZEN  …And please no one should laugh reading this note…I am writing a tragedy and not a comedy
PS : This does not include some of the people who are on my friend list whom I added online. Its not a sweeping statement on all people I meet but some nerds I do 

My response to 90% of the marriage ads

Marriage Ads in Portals

Has anyone ever gone through marriage ads? Most men have standard requirements which are the following :

1. Fair bride (they can be dark as coal but wife dear has to be fair)
2. Sharp Features (its a different thing that their features have never known the word sharp)
3. Love my family (and dont expect them to love yours or for that matter even their own)
 4. Long Hair (They can be bald but you lady need to have long hair. Balancing act you see)
5. You need to cook very well (now you see if he is marrying he will do away with the maid, right?)
6. Educated (Degrees mean a lot specially to bong guys)
7. Young (They could be in their 50s but the girl needs to be in her early 20s)
And of coure they need to know the girl’s caste and many want my horoscope (and this even applies to all so called modern people who will otherwise write how caste system is wrong but when it comes to marriage wants to match all that). One would of course imagine that with such perfect matching none of those marriages ever can fail and most are match made in heaven but that is not always the case. Anyway thats a topic for another day.
Now lets look at the other party in the marriage viz : the women. Now women are simple and straight in all ads. They don’t have any such criteria. They are simple. THEY ARE JUST PERFECT. Every woman is beautiful (ignore the attached pic in case of marriage portal, as they were clicked on a very bad day), they can cook so well that chefs will feel ashamed, they are brilliant in studies and great at outdoor as wel as indoor work. And they will love your parents, will live on love and fresh air. Basically they are what God calls Angels.
Now seeing all these perfect women and the demands of the men I realised if I put up an ad, I will get nothing.  I mean God made me perfect but more like perfectly imperfect. How could I ever compete with such perfection I ever wondered. But nevertheless once ma (in one of her crazy ideas) said I need to marry either one of the men I knew or find someone for myself. Else she will get me married off. Now I did not want to ruin the lives of men I knew (they were friends after all and no matter how great I think I am and how much I love myself I will always feel sorry for the man who marries me), and neither did I want my mom looking for someone for me and then being blamed by my in laws that she got me married to them. So I said I will do the needful and this is the ad I put up.
AD :
Hi Prospective Grooms, Please stop here and look at me. I am desperate for marriage as ma says she cannot tolerate me anymore at home (Its a different thing that few days later you too will say the same thing). So please go through my profile and at least tell me you want to marry me even if you don’t. Anyway here is some details about me.
Well I am a wonderful girl. I am beautiful, attractive, nice, smart, intelligent, pretty – you can say adjectives fail me. I weigh around 100 kgs (but do not consider me fat – i am what you could say less thin), i am 4 ft 5 inches (but do not consider me short – i am less tall), i am black (you cannot find me in the night they say). My hair is wonderful. Basically i am bald and hence I use wonderful wigs – so you want long and silky, short & croppy, whatever. I can have that hair. (Now isn’t that a bonus. How many men can boast of wives who has hair of every type to suit every mood). My eyes put aishwarya’s to shame – only problem is you need a microscope to find it. My nose is the best part of my body – its like a road which suddenly took an u turn (You getting the picture right?) I wanted to go to the Ms Universe Contest but my family felt that others would have a inferiority complex and hence did not allow me to. Your good luck cause now me here and you can marry me !!
My other qualities – well i can cook. I mean I tried to make tea once but it tasted like ditch water. After that i never cooked. But I am sure if you want I can cook some burnt food for you. I am educated. I did pass some class some time – was it class V or was it class VI? I do not remember. Oh sorry I did appear for matriculation. Now class X exams come after class V right? Ok its a separate point that I did not pass. But so what? Lets say I am matric appeared (MA). Now that sounds like a degree, right?
My age – I am sure you are not that indecent to ask a girl her age. No one seems to have taught you any manners. Well lets say i am not very young.
My family says i am god’s gift to mankind. Any man who marries me would start praying to god that very day that I disappear from their life. So any man who does not pray much – God would gift me to them so they start praying.
Anyway here is my bio-data :
Name : Whats in a name ? Kalidas said that – so why bother telling you..or was it shakespeare??? ..well what the hell..what’s in their name too..
Age : I just said its indecent to ask a girl her age.Ok let me say I am 18+ ..that’s the legal age to marry right? Now don’t ask me how many plusses after 18…that me not telling
Caste : Don’t you know caste system has been abolished, you regressive men !!!!! How dare you ask someone this. I would put you behind bars for this.
Income : I am marrying so that my husband can earn for me, not the other way round.
Bank Balance : If I had any, why would I think of marrying you? And remember always your money is my money and my money is ALSO MY MONEY..Don’t you dare think of it as yours
Horoscope : Send me yours and I will send you back one which matches yours completely. Now what do they say in hindi “Chattis gun milenge”. Happy aren’t you?
My family : We are about a 100 member stong household. My husband would have to support them too. And please I cannot love your family like my own. Its tough enough loving them. And any case didn’t Karan Johar say “Its all about loving your parents”. He never said “its all about loving your husband’s parents”
Education : I can read & write
Habits : I drink like a fish, smoke like a chimney
Secret desire : To beat my husband black and blue every night.
Favourite Movie : She devil..I love it
My wish: To marry a man who can give me the 3 Ms – Money, Mercedes and Mansion.
My dream man : A guy who is dumb and a billionaire. And who can give me the 3Ms.
IF YOU FEEL YOU FIT INTO MY CATEGORY OF A PERFECT MAN PLEASE DO CONTACT ME AND WE CAN THEN DISCUSS THE FINANCIALS (hello you thought you will marry me without spending any penny on me is it? Now now it isn’t dowry, its lets say what they call proof of your love for me. Now I cannot marry unless you love me right? And You need to prove your love. Hence)
Needless to say all thought my honesty to be madness but such was life. I mean tell me something women do marry for social security and what is social security if you dont give me money and look after me and my needs? But no, if I say it am bad. Anyway sad thing is no one really agreed to marry me seeing this but so what? But then like I always says…Your loss dear….  

My horoscope matches yours – I am God

Horoscope matching

This horoscope matching phenomenon which has the fancy of at least 50% of my countrymen is certainly an interesting concept and one which can have many uses if used properly.  Thanks to serials and all those movies doing the rounds horoscope matching is now more fashionable than it was maybe 30 years ago. So much so for progress. Anyway like I said, if used properly this can really be a successful phenomenon.

Now according to astrologers horoscope plays a very important role in our lives. So if I want to do business with you, if I want to marry you, for it to be successful, the only thing which will work is our horoscopes to match. Else doomsday.
Now here is some of the things I have heard astrologers say…if a person (read :girl )  is manglik (meaning if Mars is prevalent in your horoscope), your husband is sure to die unless he too has the same problem. Hence the solution is marry a tree, dog, etc first so that that object dies and then you free of the curse. AWESOME IDEA.  So why not make use of this idea.  Here we are running pillar to post wondering will we give capital punishment to Kasab, Dawood, etc and all the villains of the world.  One has to fight those human rights activists who seem to think all human rights belong to people who kill humans. So now this is what the law should do. Make a horoscope of the villain they want to do away with and pray he not manglik. Advertise for all the manglik girls who want to serve the nation and get them married off to these guys. And Poof !!!!! They are dead !!!!!!!!! So you are saved of the villains, the girls do a great deed, the girls lose their curse and can marry a man of their choice and human rights people are thrilled cause we got them married off. GREAT IDEA RIGHT???  Besides this will spare us of all the environment rights and animal rights people who will one of these days wake up to realise we are killing the dogs and plants through such means  . We can of course use this method to even pick up supari (collecting money to kill people). So instead of going by those boring old methods of killing someone using the gun, knives and all, we get them married and BANG (no pun intended) we have them dead !!!!!!!!!!!!
Now lets look at what else a horoscope can do for you. It can get you wealth, health, kids, etc, etc. In other words if an infertile man marries a girl whose horoscope matches his, he can produce kids. Medical Science be damned. In other words if a doctor finds a man who comes to him for being infertile, he has a brand new prescription to offer. A girl whose horoscope matches yours !!!!!  And this is one treatment which is fool proof.
Now lets take the case of some man who is a failure or whose business is failing. Ideally you would go to a consultant, etc and try and try and reorganise and reengineer your business. And pay a fortune for it. But now we have a much better way to handle it. We get you a wife whose horoscope matches yours. Consider it as a bonus offer – Have your business up and running and get a wife too FREE FREE FREE !!!!!!!!!
In other words we are God !!!! We can make or break you and even kill you by just the power of when we were born !!!!  Lucky us !!! And thank God for horoscopes which give us so much power in the world that previously we knew only God had !!!!!!  HENCE SALUTE US  . And salute all those who made horoscopes so important.
PS : And for readers who would want to know why me saying the power of horoscopes lies only with women, its cause in India we are still regressive enough to think women bring in the luck for a man. Science and logic and progress be damned
Am also hoping that one of these days the Govt of the worlds will accept all my theories and pay me money for these awesome ideas

The 3 idiots…3 IDIOTS INDEED

The 3 idiots

Dear Mr Chopra/ Mr Hirani/ Mr Khan,

I saw your press conference last evening and I felt that the 3 of you deserved awards for being the real 3 idiots.
I am sure you would like to know why I feel so and hence the explanation below:
1. Mr Chopra you asked a poor journalist to shut up cause he had not read the book, and had no right to comment. I completely agree. But then why did Mr Aamir Khan comment when by his own admissions, he has not read the book.  So do enlighten me Mr Chopra why did you not tell Mr Khan to shut up or even use him as your star witness?  Or are you the first idiot among the 3 idiots…cause by your own admission your witness has no clue about the case and yet came to testify. Pretty idiotic, won’t you say? So I hereby nominate you as Idiot 1 of the 3 idiots.
2.  Mr Khan, according to you, Mr Bhagat had told you that the book and script was not similar. Strangely Mr Bhagat claims he had not read the script and even if he had, how do you know that it was not changed in between?  Can you deny that it does not happen? Or did you ask Mr Bhagat as to wherein lies the difference? And since you are such a thinking man or intelligent man as you give us to believe, should you not have read the book before you jumped into the defence? And imagining that Mr Bhagat is lying comletely should you not have first read the book to verify the claim you made as you know verbal talks have no basis in such arguments. Don’t you think you behaved like the lawyer who went to fight a case without knowing what the evidences were? And since you had no clue about the evidences should we not as judges (the entire audience is a judge in this case) not throw you off the case, for wasting valuable time of the court? You seem to me to be the 2nd Idiot in the story of the 3 idiots who came to testify and fight a case without knowing what the evidences were or for that matter. So without any doubt the award for the 2nd idiot goes to you Mr Khan. I know how much you hate awards but am sure you would accept this graciously.
3. Mr Hirani – I am planning to make a movie on Munnabhai. The story will be mine, the plot will be mine, etc etc. There will be a 5% similarity to your original story that the character will be Munnabhai and Circuit and the 2 actors who acted will be same.  I plan to give you no credit for the same except write your name and say loosely inspired by you guys. Actually you guys gave me an idea. I will have Munnabhai fighting people like you who refuse to give credit to others when due. So let me change the inspiration to 10% but that’s it. Please do not ask for more, please, please, please. Ok 11.3% but that’s it. Not a percentage more. Why that number? Cause I felt so. Or do you have a maths to calculate the percentage of inspiration? Am sure you do, after all you guys quite convincingly spoke of the percentage of inspiration. So if you could kindly send me the maths behind the calculation, it would help me come up with an exact value? I mean how did you come up with 3 to 5%? I just want to be sure I have the maths correct, so that tomorrow when you say the same thing I will have my facts correct. Sounds pretty idiotic, right? And if you cry hoarse after it becomes famous, I will accuse the same things you accused Mr Bhagat for. Hope thats ok with you. No? Weird Mr Hirani, it seemed ok when it was Mr Bhagat at the receiving end? Or do you now feel in the hindsight, it was an idiotic thing to do and say? Well whether you feel so or not, I feel so and hereby award you the 3rd idiot in this entire 3 idiot fiasco. . After all the decision of awards depends on the jury / judge and not on the recipient.
In the end of this controversy I have just one thing to say to all the 3 of you. All 3 of you are the 3 IDIOTS INDEED. Am sorry for my language and please do not drag me to court (if you do I will say you doing all this for publicity  ) But seriously do you think if people are finding it similar, audiences are going to find your crying yourself hoarse claiming otherwise more idiotic?  And commercially speaking, I say you guys and specially you Mr Hirani and Mr Khan dipped your brandequity a lot cause what you did went against what you guys have always stood for. And I think commercially that would make a lot more difference, specially to you Mr Khan than had you convinced Mr Hirani and Mr Chopra to give credit where its due. And God forbid you go to a court, and it turns out by the same mathematical tools you used that Mr Bhagat was right, it would be even more idiotic, right? Anyway that’s your call.
Before I end, I want you to accept the awards I just gave out. Also I would be awaiting your humble acceptance speech on getting the awards and congratulations to the 3 of you once again. You guys have beat millions of Idiots to win this coveted title. Be Proud of it
Warm Regards
Priyashmita
PS : I would like to point out that I do not exactly feel that Mr Bhagat was not taking advantage of it being a hit film. Maybe he did sell the movie rights and was not smart enough to say, this is the credit I need. And now that the film is a hit he regrets it and that is what his blog says, without mentioning what rights he had in his contract. Fair enough. My reason for nominating the above 3 are only cause they were full of crap. Had they made one logical point like I am sorry I bought the rights and this is what the contract said, I would have admired them. But instead they were full of gas and the idiotic moral high ground which made me nominate and award them

Note : This post originally appeared in my original blog worldasisee,wordpress.com on January 02, 2010 and this is just a reproduction. Hence posting date might be later than the date mentioned

Why my grand uncle got a zero in maths…

As a kid my grand uncle (shancha) used to keep telling me a story as to why he a got a zero in maths. Its a story I grew up hearing and a story, even today when I hear makes me laugh. So here is my attempt to tell that to all and to make all smile 

Mathematics

My grand uncle scored a zero in maths. Of course because of that everyone scolded him, his principal beat him, his friends laughed at him but he was quite undeterred. The reason was that had he attempted the problems and then got a zero he would have had a reason to be ashamed. But the fact is he did not even attempt a single sum. Why did he not, is what this story is all about.
The first problem stated “Simplify the following”. Now why in God’s name should one simplify a complex thing and why? The logic was beyond him and hence he refused to attempt that sum.
The second problem was the following. An alcohol shop owner was mixing 1 gallon water with every 5 gallons of alcohol. Now if every gallon alcohol cost Rs 50 (I am talking 50 years back) and he sold it at Rs 70, how much profit would he make by selling 30 gallons of alcohol?
Now my grand uncle could not believe it. Firstly we discussing alcohol which is so tabboo and on a corrupt alcohol dealer? And to think that someone thought he was going to solve this problem and help that corrupt man? No way !! Thus he did not solve this problem
The third maths problem was this. Divide Rs 100 among 3 men and 2 women in such a way that every man gets 10 Rs more than every woman. Now this was too much for my grand uncle. Our constitution gives equal right to men and women and here his maths teacher wanted him to solve a problem which snatched that right and was so unconstitutional? How could he solve it and disregard what the constitution stood for? Hence he had to let go of solving this problem too.
The fourth problem was about a trader. The problem given to him was that a trader bought 500 metres of cloth at 20 Rs a metre. He was selling it at 25 Rs a metre. But cause his scale had an error, for every metre he was selling actually 20 cms less. So how much profit would he make for that 500 metre of cloth he sold? Now instead of reporting the matter to the police how could his maths teacher expect him to solve this problem and help such a corrupt man? And so, he refused to be party to such corrupt practices and did not even attempt to solve this problem either.
The final problem given in the exam was that a 10 feet long bamboo which was covered in oil, had bananas attached at the top. Now a monkey was trying to reach it to eat and every 10 minutes he was climbing one feet but dropping 20 metres owing to the oily bamboo. How long would the monkey take to finally reach and eat the bananas? Now even in those day and age my grand uncle was quite aware of the animal activist groups. Now he wondered should he actually solve this problem and help his maths teacher and monkey around with a monkey or should he go and inform the animal rights group that such inhumanity was being practiced against them. Of course he chose the latter and hence decided not to attempt this sum as well.
End result, he got a zero. Of course cause of that everyone scolded him, beat him up, ridiculed him but till date he is quite proud of his achievement. Of course cause of this he never really made it as big as his so called classmates who ignored all ethics and sided with criminals, cheats, animal torturers but till this date no one can make us smile the way shancha can.
Enjoy !!!

Unravelling the mysteries behind the online networking sites

Social Networking Sites

Today no matter who you are, chances are you part of some online networking sites in some form or other. I am too, and maybe a little more than I should be. But there are still many things of the online networking site, which I cannot understand. Hence this is my attempt to figure out how they work and maybe find some answers.

One of the sites that I participate a lot in (maybe a little more than I should), is Facebook. But there are still many a things about it which I just cannot fathom in it. Firstly its this “Like” button on Facebook. You can write any status message on Facebook and lo and behold you have 20 people clicking on the “like” button. Now the last I knew, the word like meant to find something attractive or enjoyable. Now tell me if I have written “I am sad” and you click Like button, or I say “I feel like crying” and you click on the same button,then what are you trying to tell me? Are you telling me you like me sad? That my crying is attractive to you? If not, then why just go blindly clicking on my status messages? Honestly do you even think before you click? Honestly speaks volumes of your intelligence and/ or your friendship with me and yet me supposed to remain their friend. Of course what is worse than this, is people sending you friend requests which you accept and then they dont bother ever saying hi to you at all. I mean do you really think it makes you popular to have 2247 friends and hence you add people irrespective of the fact that you will never talk to them?
The second thing about Facebook which makes me wonder is this “Fan” Page. I understand when you telling me to be a fan of some star, a company, that is you being a third party? But don’t you think its a sign of desperation when you send someone “Fan” link to become a fan of you? I mean who in God’s name goes out and says become a fan of me? I mean I do admit I love it if someone tells me they like my work or my writing, and secretly I do desire they become my fan, but to send a “fan” page of yourself is the heights of desperation. At least if you want so, ask a friend to send so for you. At least will be less desperate and chances are you will get them. I can assure you, most of the people who click on the “Fan” Page that you have are doing so out of sheer pity for you. I mean imagine Shah Rukh Khan going out there and begging people, please be my fan? Sounds stupid right? Then why do you?
Now there is another site, Orkut where I had joined sometime back. Now when I was new to the new medium my brother taught me how to use it, and he told me that how many scraps and friends you have is the latest form of showing how popular you are. Now unlike my brother I was never the popular one, and I was not ready to let an online medium prove the same, was I? Hence I wrote in my profile, please scrap me if you want to be my friend cause its supposed to be the latest measure of popularity and if you make me popular enough I will add you. So in all kindness, most who saw my profile, started scrapping me and adding me as their friend. Now me responded back by accepting their friendship request (I was told and convinced by my well-wisher that saying no to a friendship request was a sin so grave that I would rot in hell). So after I accept, we scrap each other for a few days and then like all things end when the novelty disappears, the scrapping ends after a few days. Now I will tell you where the problem arose. These people who have added me, whom I know nothing beyond some name they had told me, not even a picture to assist me (some people here add filmstar’s pictures against their name…am yet to figure out why though. Are they trying to tell them look like them or are they telling me they their fans? Well whatever the are trying to tell, its quite bizzarre) go change their profile and write some exotic name against their profile(I have seen names like “some moments n some ppl cant b forgotten”, “the forgotten for sure”, “poo flower”, “scent of revolution”, etc. Between you and me am sure it is a revenge game on parents. I mean more often than not parents name the kid, so I feel by putting such esoteric nonsensical names up its their way of saying “I reject”. Honestly can there be any other reason for writing such names? If yes, please enlighten me.). And lo and behold after some days they scrap me back. And am supposed to figure out who they are. Tell me something, can you do it? So I have to search all my old scraps (and I have crossed the holy 5500 mark) and figure out who is this new found friend who is scrapping me again. And I assure you its no easy task and answer back, cause if you don’t the person calls you rude, etc etc. Can you tell me a plight worse than this? But such is the online world.
Orkut has one more problem and the reason why I have taken a raincheck on my usage of that site. People can just simply copy your profile. Now it is a slightly accepted fact that I have a slight amount of wit, and can write reasonably well. Now there are other people, who I guess wants to be so but cannot be so. Hence they simply go copy your profile. I had one with Mr Anil D’Souza from Udupi who did it before, and I had to rewrite the whole thing again and now one Ms Swapna P now. I do agree copy is the best form of flattery but this????? What is worse is not only do they copy it, and give me no credit, but then on top they actually thank people when they are complimented on their profile. The former actually had 3 testimonials written as to how funny he is and the profile was given as proof for the testimony.Can someone go tell people that stapling of clothes when they tear and making microwave made tea is patented by me?
Now one more strange behaviour of people whom you meet in this online space is when they are trying to get to know each other. I don’t know about others, but it has often happened to me, especially if I add someone from the opposite sex, where right after adding, they start a chat online, and it somehow feels like i am in an interrogation room, where they have this list of questions which they ask and I need to answer. . I actually once told someone, send me the quetionnaire and I will fill it up and send it back. Of course my humour and sarcasm, like many times fell flat. 
The latest craze in the online world is Twitter. Today people ask for your twitter name before they ask your name, such is its craze. Now for the illiterate it’s a site where you can micro-blog and update your status and people follow you. Again like the other sites your popularity is measured by your followers. The trick here is you should be following less number of people than people following you. Else you would have performed a cardinal sin and completely discarded as a very unpopular person. Now I understand when people update that they going for a movie. I mean your followers might respond back asking you how the movie is, etc leading to some conversation. But to update messages like “I am going for bath”, “I am having tea” is simply beyond my limited understanding. Just what are you trying to achieved? Do you want to tell me you are clean and take bath daily? Am I supposed to ask you how fresh you feel? Or what? Then why update me on your bathing ritual? Or you having tea? Are you inviting me over? If not, how do I care?Can someone please tell me why people update such useless trivia as status messages?
Now the last but not the least – Linkedin. That site was created for networking of professionals. It was a fantastic medium where you could create your reputation by being recommended by your peer group, bosses, juniors, etc and a very good way to build your professional reputation among a group of people who might not have otherwise known you. This was really good, and here your reputation depended a lot on the recommendations you received for your professional achievements. But lo and behold, did you feel we will sit at that and now make ourselves popular like we did in orkut, twitter and facebook? So you would very soon find yourself being bombarded by requests to recommend people, who forget ever working with, you don’t even know beyond their name. And best is when you tell them you don’t know what they do and have never worked with them, they coolly answer back, please see my profile and you will know what I do. In other words here too, I really don’t care if you have never worked with me or I could be the laziest, most unscrupulous, inefficient employee but you need to use your creative writing skills and make some story about me as to how I am a model employee and God’s gift to the corporate world . I don’t even want to dare ask why I should resort to such means, but then such is life.
I know all the above should be reason enough for me to give up my tryst with the online medium, what makes it worse is when you read how people have met their soulmates online and got married, etc and all I encounter are the above situations.  But then I guess me the eternal optimist live in hope – Hope that someday this bizarre world will make some sense to me too 

Angry Mother India writes to her children…

Yeh hai India Meri Jaan

Dear Children (Since you call me motherland I guess I can call you children),

Firstly let me tell you that I am nowadays a little irritable, which is understandable at my age. I am thousands of years old. It’s been quite some time since I stopped counting and hence cannot tell you my exact age but it’s been a long time since I was born. Hence my patience level is obviously quite low. On top some of you guys have managed to really make me upset and hence this letter to a lot of you. Also excuse me if I cannot address each one of you by name. I know you my children and mothers should no know each of their kid by name, but having a 1.15 billion kids is no mean task. I am sure you guys will excuse me for that. If not try having 200 kids and remember each one by name. On second thought, leave it (You might just attempt it). So let me start with my letter and the reason for me writing to you guys.
Since we on the topic of billion kids, let me start with that. Tell me something, why do I have a billion kids? I understand children are great and I personally love them a lot. But can you imagine going to labour a billion times? Let me ask you women, can you do it? And you men, how does it matter to you? Just cause you men don’t have to bear the kids and just can enjoy fruits of your labour after birth, you guys don’t care do you? I assure you had this been your fatherland and not motherland you guys would have thought twice. No wonder Germany has not such a huge population cause the men realize the pains of giving birth. So if you guy don’t mind, and if you ladies can explain the pains of labour, can we please first control that. Am tired of giving birth to a baby every second, and honestly its making me more irritable, forget that the labour pain has made me go insane. So please can you control the same?
Now to another topic, which I am intrigued about, more than worried. Did we by any chance really invent the time machine? And for some reason it only goes backwards and not forwards? Else how can you explain that Mahabharata was more modern in terms of women’s lib than Ramayana? Or we abolished the caste system in 1960 but in 2010 you guys’ practice caste based politics. Or the fact that we became secular in 1950 but in 2010 we have politics based on religion. So tell me did we invent it? If so, great news, but can we please correct it so it moves forward to? It’s quite painful reliving history, especially the painful ones, which I thought we migrated from. Please can you check the same and correct it for God’s sake? And if you cannot, at least then stop using it and stay in the Present century and year. Will do you and me a world of good.
There is one more thing which bothers me a lot. Why are you so hell bent in cutting me into pieces? What if I get off and cut off your hand and say hand is more important? Or the leg is more important. Fact is every part of you is important from the hair to the toes. And if am not chopping them off, what makes you think you can chop me off? Next time you think of that, first ampute a part of your body and then let me know how you feel. If you like it, then let us discuss cutting me into pieces
I would like to address my next point to some specific kids of mine – Pramod Muthalik and his Ram Sena, and the moral brigades of India. Firstly sons, how much do you know me that you go defending the “bharatiya sanskriti” or the culture of India? Do you know the Kamasutra was a product of this country? Or have you ever seen the Khajuraho temple? Or did you know the kind of clothes women wore during the olden days, way way before you were born and when I too was much younger? Then what is this that you defending when you tell women what to wear, what not to do, etc? Besides did I ever tell you to defend my culture? If I did not, then why are you harassing them? Honestly speaking I would love to dress the way they do. But alas am old, and I have wrinkles, and hence cannot. But that does not mean my children cannot. So stop telling them what to do or I will have to instruct my children to tell you what to do and trust me you will not like it.
Also back to my other favourite kids – The Thakerays. Tell me something, Bal Thakeray, do you even know that your father was a migrant to Bombay from North India? So technically speaking, you are not a Maharashtrian. Then what gives you the right to beat up my kids from North and tell them they need to go. If I had my Maharashtrian kids throw your father out then, can you imagine what would have happened to you? Actually between you and me, I think I would have been a happier person. And Raj at least if you have branched out, think on your own? You are like the perfect parasite a family should always avoid.
Now back to the children of mine who hurt me the most – The Politicians. I am really not sure why some of you and your ancestors freed me from the British. Honestly speaking at least they hurt me less. They were after all my adopted children who never really accepted me as their motherland. So when they robbed me, it hurt. But you people are my flesh and blood. And to think you guys rob me everyday, and stash away my wealth in Swiss Banks. You do scams after scams, rob my people, divide people and all in the name of doing good. At least my foreign children, admitted they don’t love me. You do and still behave same, if not worse. Honestly all I see is the colour of my rulers have changed. Rest is still the same. Change before the people throw you out too, and throw out they will.
And finally a note to my beloved children – the ordinary citizens of my country. Just what will it take for you to love me, to care for me and to stop ill-treating me? Else how do you justify electing the morons you elect time after time? Or better still avoiding voting, expecting God to do a miracle and change the status of affairs? How do you justify that today we are considered one of the most corrupt nations and you guys complain that things are bad, but are instrumental in making it so? You guys give bribes and then wonder why people ask for them? Is this what makes you proud to be an Indian? Is this the country you or your forefathers freed from the British? I come to you today, to tell you my life and my reputation lies with you. I am angry and as my children can I expect you to do something to change my mood?
On that note, I wish each one of you the very best and hope you guys do something soon
A very angry and old Mother India

Not that I loved Cricket and IPL Less, but that I loved myself more

IPL 4

On 26th of April the Governing council for IPL met to discuss the fate of the game and Mr Lalit Modi and they suspended him. The suspension was followed by a chargesheet giving Lalit Modi 15 days to answer. Following is an imaginary representation of that defence.
(Players – Shashank Manohar,Arun Jaitley, Inderjit Singh Bindra, BCCI treasurer M.P. Pandove, vice presidents Chirayu Amin, Rajeev Shukla, Board secretary N. Srinivasan, joint secretary Sanjay Jagdale, Jammu and Kashmir Cricket Association chief Farooq Abdullah, IPL vice-chairman Niranjan Shah and former India captains Ravi Shastri, Sunil Gavaskar and Mansoor Ali Khan Pataudi
Hero cum villian – Lalit Modi
Absolutely absent gullible idiots – The general public)
Scene I : Lalit Modi meets the governing council (Scene opens with Mr Modi making an opening speech)
Lalit Modi : Friends, IPL governing council men, and my fellow scamsters ! hear me for my cause, and be silent, that you may hear: believe me for mine honour, and have respect to mine honour, that you may believe: censure me in your wisdom, and awake your senses, that you may the better judge.
If there be any in this meeting, any dear fan of Cricket and IPL, to him I say, that Modi’ love for Cricket and IPL was no less than his. If then that friend demand why I scammed and cheated the IPL, this is my answer:–
Not that I loved Cricket and IPL Less, but that I loved myself more. Had you rather IPL and cricket was kept clean and we die all poor, than that IPL was full of scams, to live all rich men?
As IPL made me rich, I weep for losing it;
as it was combined my love for money and women, I rejoice at it;
as it it made me famous, I honour it:
but, as he was the biggest chance for me to steal without being caught, I robbed it.
There is tears for the fame we got;
joy for the fortune we made;
honour for our ingenuity of pulling it off;
and theft for the money it offerred.
Who is here so base that would be a honest man? If any, speak; for him have I offended.
Who is here so rude that would not be a ready scam, to get rich? If any, speak; for him have I offended.
Who is here so vile that will not love being wealthy? If any, speak; for him have I offended.
I pause for a reply.
.(Pauses for 2 minutes)
Shashank Manohar : Thank you Mr Modi. We completely agree with you that NONE HERE IS SO BASE OR RUDE OR VILE that they will not stoop to any levels to get rich. However we cannot take the blame for it, as you were the chairman and made maximum profits from it. Besides we need to show the world that we indicted you even if it was a sham. So please can you answer the showcause notice so we can get over with this sham?
Lalit Modi : Fair enough Mr Manohar. Let me start with your first accusation. Your one accusation reads “Breaching confidentiality clause by tweeting Kochis share-holding pattern”. Now let me refer to you my tweet ““I was told not to get into who owns Rendezvous, specially Sunanda Pushkar. Why”. So tell me where was I wrong in that? I know who owns all the other teams (cause 9 of the 10 teams are owned by me, 1 is owned by my fellow scamster Mr Srinivasan) Herein came a franchise and for the first time, and I knew nothing about. I genuinely wanted to ask who owns the franchise and hence tweeted about the shareholders’ details that I did have, so someone could tell me about the rest?. Tell me what was wrong with it? It was after all an innocent query to know who dared owned a team, without us?
Ravi Shastri : I think he has a point. After all the rest are all know to us. And he only divulged the information so we all could know, who was so conniving as to steal our scamster’s wealth and make it their own?
Lalit Modi : Thank you Ravi. Your next accusation was “Arm-twisting successful bidder- Kochi, to withdraw” Now you guys have already agreed with me that none here is so vile as not to love being wealthy. You also know that 9 of the 10 franchises are owned by my family and friends. One is owned by Mr Srinvisan. In other words in every franchise we make money. So tell me, would you allow the advent of a franchise whose prosperity would not prosper us? Besides how can one Ms Sundanda Puskar get sweat equity when it is our sweat which is made the IPL such a huge money swindling machine? Was it her sweat which got this grand scheme in place? Then how could she get sweat equity when we 12 members have shed our sweat? So then was I wrong in trying to arm twist them to withdraw, so we could get a franchise where we could have stakes and earn money? If anyone here is so base to feel so, speak up now, or forever hold your silence
Inderjit Singh Bindra : I think he has a point. We shed our sweat and someone else took the sweat equity. We took the trouble of changing the BCCI rules so we could own IPL teams. Some of us unfortunately are not rich enough to own it with our own money, but then we could have been given sweat equity, couldn’t we? I think Lalit was right in arm twisting them to move out and sad that he failed. Lalit I support you in this
Lalit Modi: Thank you Mr Bindra. Now to your third allegation – “the unexplained 80 million USD facilitation fee about which BCCI was kept in the dark”. So let me explain the meaning of facilitation fee? Let me then tell you, dictionary defines facilitation as “act of assisting or making easier the progress or improvement of something”. So as chairman of IPL it was my job to assist and make things easier for the people who wanted telecast rights? Now if I am going to work, should I not be paid for it? So I got paid 80 million USD. For God’s sake if Sunanda Pushkar can get sweat equity without even starting to shed sweat, can I not get fees for facilitating and genuinely helping someone?
Rajiv Shukla: I agree with you, but why did you keep BCCI in the dark?
Lalit Modi: In the dark? Now you guys have admitted that most of your accusations against me are based on media reports. So was this report not flashed last year?Then is it not baseless to say you were kept in the dark? After all the media did throw light on this?
Rajiv Shukla: Hmmmm…..you have a point there.
Lalit Modi: Your next accusation reads “Non-disclosure of interest and stake in RR, Kings XI & KKR”. Now you amended the BCCI rules to ensure we could have a direct stake in IPL. Hence Mr Srinivasan could divulge his interest. Did you give me any such consideration? Did you once think of me, and change the rules so it was legal to have an indirect stake in IPL too? You did not. Yet you expect me to inform you of my family’s and friend’s stakes? How could I?
Srinivasan: I tend to agree with him. We never gave him a platform so he could divulge the information. It’s not his fault that he could not under the circumstances?
Lalit Modi: You accused me of Misappropriation of funds in the 3 editions of IPL . Now I guess all of you will admit, that each one of us have become richer by a few million, in the last 3 years. Please can all of you tell me how were your pockets being filled for the last 3 years if there was no misappropriation of funds? Were you thinking that the funds filling your pockets, which was the reason why all of you kept quiet, was falling from heaven?
M.P. Pandove : Hmmmm. Well you should have made it more clearer.
Lalit Modi: Why Mr Pandove, would the governing council not have taken the money if it was more clearer?
M.P. Pandove: No, No !!! When did we say that? We would have not included the same in the accusation, that’s all
Lalit Modi: Fine Mr Pandove, then maybe we could strike this point and move to the next which is “Irregularities in awarding broadcast & internet rights” . Now can someone please tell me why did we create the IPL? Was it not to ensure we all make profits, while the government and innocent public are made fool of? And was it that not what we did? I awarded the same to people who gave the governing council profits and made each and everyone of us richer than we were before. I am lost. Was there any irregularity in ensuring that? I am shocked at this baseless allegation which says I committed irregularity in ensure we became rich. Did I by any chance award any rights to anyone who rightly deserved it, thus preventing us from getting wealthier?
Sanjay Jagdale: I think he is right. There were no irregularities. After all it was done to make us wealthy and we all have to accept he ensured that without any irregularity. He did nothing honest for us to claim he was irregular. We should drop this charge.
Lalit Modi: Thank you Mr Jagdale. Your next allegation reads Encouraging, attempting collusive bidding. I strongly refute this. Attempting?????????? Lalit Modi is not a failure that he will attempt collusive bidding. He will ensure it. I am not even going to demean myself by responding to this allegation and telling me am incapable of scams.
Niranjan Shah: Please Mr Modi forgive us for we know not what we said. We understand how hurt you must be that we assumed for a second that maybe you failed in your attempt to cheat. We are sorry. Please forgive us.
Lalit Modi: Its ok Mr Shah. But am heartbroken by this allegation. I don’t think I can continue any further. I would like to hand over the answers now in a 15000 page document.
Arun Jaitley: 15000 pages? What have you written there?
Lalit Modi: Well let me tell you it is not so much as my defence, but as facts gathered against each one of you, which I will duly reveal to all, if you decide to prosecute me. So its either me or neither of you.
Chirayu Amin : Hmmmm. This is serious Mr Modi. Do you mind giving us 5 mins to ponder?
Scene II :Governing council discusses how to handle Lalit Modi’s situation under the circumstances
Chirayu Amin : I suggest the following. We all know we cannot prosecute Mr Modi as we were all hand in glove with him. At the same time we need to continue a sham that we are. So I suggest that we take a long time to pretend to understand this document, and then refer it to the disciplinary committee and then that would take a few more months to decide. By then the gullible public will forget everything and we can reinstate him back. In the meantime he can enjoy a well earned holiday roaming the world. After all he worked very hard. Besides it will give him ample time to plan our next scam. If all in favour say “Aye”
Shashank Manohar,Arun Jaitley, Inderjit Singh Bindra,M.P. Pandove, Chirayu Amin, Rajeev Shukla, Board secretary N. Srinivasan, joint secretary Sanjay Jagdale, Niranjan Shah, Ravi Shastri, Sunil Gavaskar and Mansoor Ali Khan Pataudi : : AYE !!!!
Scene III : Gullible India Public
Gullible India Public : Wow !! BCCI actually did something. They referred him to a disciplinary committee. Now we can expect justice
…………………………….. AND THE STORY NEVER ENDS  AS MANY HINDI MOVIES SAY “THE BEGINNING”

Note : This post originally appeared in my original blog worldasisee,wordpress.com on May 16, 2010 and this is just a reproduction. Hence posting date might be later than the date mentioned